Although I myself have never once done any kind of drug, I often see people around me doing them (at the office, for instance, or at Wednesday night New York magazine closings). So I've set out to do a little research on behalf of others who might be as clueless and innocent as I am.

This week, I interviewed a young man named "Smokey" [NOTE: NOT HIS REAL NAME] about Manhattan's greatest cultural contribution to the world — the marijuana delivery service.

Gawker: Hi, Smokey. Thanks for taking time to school me in the ways of modern pot-smoking. I just have a few questions. So: how'd you find your pot delivery service?
Smokey: Someone had to call and vouch for me to their service... I had to set up an "account" up from their phone.
Gawker: Oh wow. So you got screened.
Smokey: Yah.
Gawker: That's genius. So if I want a pot delivery service, I should just smoke all my friends' pot until I find some I really like. Sweet! How much does pot cost these days? And is it more expensive for delivery?
Smokey: Well you pay a little more, I think. It's generally pretty high quality... pun intended.
Gawker: Riiiight. Or else you wouldn't have wanted your friend's dealer. Hmm. So getting a delivery pot dealer is kind of like getting a date on Friendster.

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Smokey: Heh. Yeah. $50 used to get you an 1/8th of an ounce, but now they are skimping that down.
Gawker: Bastards!
Smokey: My friends used to get a free lottery ticket with their delivery
Gawker: Oh wow. They have a different delivery dealer?
Smokey: Yah.
Gawker: Did they ever win?
Smokey: Yah!
Gawker: Oh shit! So the pot paid for itself.
Smokey: Defrayed their cost at least. How's that for a generous universe?
Gawker: Cool. So, do you ever feel paranoid, like you're going to call for delivery one day and the cops are going to show up? Seriously, my biggest fear would be like, waiting for my pot to come, all like "yay," and then blammo! It's the Feds!
Smokey: Oh... I am not really the paranoid type
Gawker: Are you sure you're not stoned right now?
Smokey: Once though, my delivery girl, super cute freaky girl, she came to the door white and really freaked out. She had just come through Tompkins Square Park and the cops were there with several police dogs. She had to walk right by them, thinking they were gonna come eat her.
Gawker: HA!
Smokey: She was carrying a knapsack full of gange. Yah. It took her a while to calm down
Gawker: Hellish. So, she was TOTALLY reliable! I mean, she still showed up, even after that.
Smokey: They are usually pretty reliable.
Gawker: I would imagine. Nothing worse than cranky stoners who don't get their pot.
Smokey: My friends' service seemed to take longer than mine... they wouldn't show for hours.
Gawker: That sucks. So, I feel like pot delivery is really widespread. Everyone I know who smokes pot has their own delivery service.
Smokey: I'm sure that there are quite a few different services
Gawker: Do you have any good tips on what makes a good service?
Smokey: The "packages" should be sealed in some way... so your deliverer isn't borrowing a bud from your stash-to-be.
Gawker: Oh, good point. Right. You want it sealed from the source. Because the delivery kids are, to use a retarded word, mules.
Smokey: Hee haww.
Gawker: I wonder how much they make?
Smokey: Dunno. They usually have great style though. Super urban hip, kinda like the bike messengers. Dreads. Lots and lots of dreadlocks.
Gawker: It's so much easier to not look like a drug mule when you're disguised as a Rastafarian.
Smokey: Hmm. Maybe NOT the best strategy.
Gawker: Well, they're probably... stoned.
Smokey: Sometimes they are. Sometimes they are kinda sexy.
Gawker: Do they ever put out?
Smokey: Not so far.
Gawker: It sounds like you and the delivery service get kind of friendly but don't become friends. Like, it's all business — but a friendly business. Hey, you live in a serious walk-up — do they come all the way up five flights of stairs?
Smokey: Yah, definitely. They come in, you get them some water... or tea, or whatever. They don't rush. They're usually calling in, getting the next stop. They keep pretty busy. So they show you what they have—
Gawker: Oh, so you don't preorder the amount? It's like home shopping? And they come with, like, pot from all over the world?
Smokey: Usually several "flavors." Names like White Widow, Bluberry — that has a fruity smell —
Gawker: Oo, like Ralph Lauren paint colors!
Smokey: i like the one called Diesel.
Gawker: Is Diesel like a mack truck, or like a kind of faggy minimalist pair of pants?
Smokey: Diesel before Vin Diesel. So it's probably all hydroponically grown.
Gawker: Right. In some closet in Williamsburg. More likely, Bushwick.
Smokey: Yeah, maybe more like western Pennsylvania. Somewhere where the energy costs are low. Sheesh. Lately I been more worried about what my lungs look like all covered in black tar
Gawker: Well, there is that. Pot smokers always say, pot's good for you, blah blah, but smoking even tofu couldn't be good for you.
Smokey: It's herbal at least.
Gawker: True. Well, so are poppies, but that doesn't make smack good for ya.
Smokey: A smidge more natural than your favorite... crack.
Gawker: Oh, touche.