Swamp City asks some serious questions on the occasion of the Patent and Trademark Office's rejection of the "Kabbalah Red String." This mystical string evidently protects celebrities from being caught with hookers, appearing in homemade porn videos, and having their careers become hellish life-sucking nightmares. Or does it?

Anyway, we hear this fabulous string is sewn from Roseanne's hair steeped in Nicole Kidman's placenta. No, seriously, we heard that.

"5. Is your religion based in paranoia?
4. Are you and all of your celebrity friends the only members?
3. Did you have to drop your agent so that you could afford to remain a member?
2. Is Madonna considered a spiritual and moral leader?
1. When someone asks you about a real religion, do you say, 'What's that? Is it like Kabbalah?'"
How To Tell Your Religion's Fake [Swamp City]
Patent Office: Kabbalah Red String [The Smoking Gun]

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