To celebrate the impending death of New York's utterly stupid cabaret law which forbids dancing in bars, we're pleased to present this IM interview with the pseudonymous Betty Pearl. Mr. (yah, Mr.) Pearl is the author of the Severe Queer Review, a newly updated guidebook to sex and sleaze in gay New York nightlife.

Betty hits the most dignified topics: where to find the best strippers and hookers in New York bars, the best bars in Brooklyn, the difference between strippers and go-go boys, where girls should go to not get hit on by men, the deal with those fancy-schmancy Chelsea bars, the delicate ecosystem of back rooms, Manhattan's recovery from the Guiliani era, and, of course: the bar where you can have the weirdest night ever.

Gawker: So, Betty: you did the last edition of the New York book six years ago? There must have been a huge number of changes in the City in that time.
Betty: It was published in 1997. In the new edition I put an RIP section at the beginning of each neighborhood in remembrance of all the bars that have gone under since the last edition.
Gawker: Literally dozens of bars die every year, right? What's your favorite dead bar?
Betty: I liked the Spike, I never really visited often but when I did I always loved it.
Gawker: Ah. Now it's an art gallery.
Betty: I really miss the Tunnel in the East Village - they were always kickin' it old school - now a hardware store.
Gawker: Called Saifee, I believe.
Betty: I just weep when I see the terra cotta pots in the window and think 'that could be filled with cute drunk fags.'
Gawker: Is there anything as fun or as raunchy as the Spike or the Tunnel nowadays?
Betty: Most of the "raunch" seems to be limited to a few enterprising and spirited club and party promoters. I think they understand that sex sells, baby.
Gawker: So, I spent one night out with you and a group of people, reviewing in Williamsburg. By "reviewing" I mean of course getting trashed in as many bars as possible. Was there even a Williamsburg section in the first edition?
Betty: No. And there were only a couple Brooklyn bars period. There are several new Brooklyn places - in the Park Slope area, Williamsburg and even Boerum Hill. The Lord giveth and he taketh away.
Gawker: Hee. What are the best bars in the Brooklyn hoods?
Betty: I really really like Metropolitan. I gave it a rave review. It seems like such a friendly place that everyone can go to despite gender (FTMs!!) or age (though most are younger) and have a fun time. It's worth traveling to. If I lived in Park Slope I'd be at Excelsior (gay) and Ginger's (lesbian) all the time.
Gawker: To the important stuff: Where are the best strippers in New York? Do we still have strippers?
Betty: Yes we still have strippers. There is even a stripper appendix in the book. In fact, my appendices run A thru U when you need to quickly things like strippers or smoking or trannies or hookers. You gotta write it down when you're horny and drunk or you'll forget
Gawker: You're the OED of sleaze. Okay, say I need strippers, STAT. Where first?
Betty: Well, I combined strippers and go-go boys and there really is a big difference.
Gawker: Oo, explain.
Betty: You want to see gorgeous men you can't touch (literally) then Gaiety. You want some hands-on dollar in the baby blue velveteen thong - Stella's. You want some Latino lapdance lovin' - Zodiac's Tavern in Queens.
Gawker: No kidding. What about hookers? Do we still have hookers?
Betty: Not like Rounds - those were the days with half the bar over 50 in three-piece suits with briefcases and the other half in their 20's in jeans with beepers. There are a couple tranny places where I highly suspect you could find a private dancer - dancer for money - who might do what you wanted them to do...
Gawker: Yikes! Say I'm young and I just quit my shitty magazine job in a rage: which bar do I go to sell myself for cash?
Betty: Good question. A friend recently got propositioned at the Cock and that was in the back room. He was all "Dude, look around it's free."
Gawker: That's ridiculous! I hope the offer wasn't insulting. So, backrooms: they still exist, eh? Where would a fella go for that?
Betty: I'm always very conflicted about giving the low down on backrooms. I love 'em and want em full but they are like delicate ecosystems that can be ruined by things like cops and those liquor licensing losers and random hordes of freaks who read about them in online mags turn into Looky Lous tourists. Do you really wanna know?
Gawker: Of course I do. But your point is well taken. In a similar vein... Say my dealer just got sent off to Rikers. What's the best bar to go to get a new one? And how do you FIND the dealer?
Betty: You really are trying to get me in trouble, aren't you.
Gawker: Uh
Betty: Well Dick's used to be the place but that drug bust sort of put the kabosh on that activity.
Gawker: Ah, Dick's in the East Village. Like Cheers, but everyone can't remember your name.
Betty: I always see people powdering their nose (on the inside) but I'm not sure where they are getting the stuff. I'm clean man - it's been years. I'm just a wino now.
Gawker: That's sweet. Okay, easier: What's the best bar for a girl to go to and have fun without straight guys hitting on her?
Betty: Well if she is a supa-glamorous lez I'd hit Starlette on Sundays - no men allowed. and I mean NONE. I don't know shit about straight bars but I do list all the best mixed places where straight and gay and hang with ease. Bar d'O is probably top of the list. Do you have a fag hag who fresh out of fags? Those chicks should go straight to Pieces in the West Village. That seems like the kind of place where you can make best friends with someone in about 7 minutes. You gotta love that place - they got spirit.
Gawker: Their slogan is still "I'm going to Pieces — wanna come"?
Betty: That is indeed the slogan and they are still doing karaoke on Tuesdays and a host of other zany things. It still seems like you've walked into the only gay bar in some small city in Pennsylvannia or some place. I do a whole schedule for queer karaoke in case you need to go everyday of the week there is at least 2-3 bars to choose from.
Gawker: So, what's the deal with all those Chelsea boy bars? Are they all just hideous? The View, Splash, G, Barracuda?
Betty: You mean alphabet city: xl, g, sbny? Splash used to be pretty muscle boy heaven but now they are only behind the bar. You have to go on weeknights because weekends are a bridge and tunnel freakfest. I love the Barracuda - it is God's gift to us cuter than average men that refuse to do a push up (though some of them are there too). I love g. I used to HATE that place. I love it. It is like a dream experiment set up by Margaret Mead. They have a co-gendered bathroom that doubles as a tea room (oops) and an oval bar where everyone can stand against the wall and cruise each other. MMM. No need to move except to do a loop past the urinals. I think the view is what is wrong with the view. Facing 8th avenue with a big open door means traffic in and out. I don't know if it ever found its crowd.
Gawker: Where do I go if, say, I want a punky tattooed boyfriend with a brain and a trust fund, for instance?
Betty: All those old school low rent East Village type of places are mostly gone. The Cock is the closest you'll get to a rock n roll fag bar.
Gawker: Cripes. Sad.
Betty: It is really sad. But in a way I think the shift sort of points to the fact that gays are more accepted and don't really need to find solace in a drink at a dark hole in the wall bar anymore - which is unfortunate for me and some other drunk dirty fags who really appreciated that sort of thing.
Gawker: For the fancier gays, can we arrange nightclubs and bars by choice of drugs? Like, if I do special K, or GHB, or ecstasy, where do I go if I enjoy each of those?
Betty: It seems the coke is for your average bar. No one does the acid or the mushrooms anymore. Didn't everyone get really freaked out about GHB and stop doing it? All those drugs K, GHB, X (more alphabet) are more common at the big clubs. Remember after Peter Gatien first got arrested and they would pat you down for drugs. Thank god that shit is over. Drugs and backrooms are back, baby - they just don't feel as sleazy and fun as they used to.
Gawker: Speaking of illicit drugs: Is there anywhere on this fucking island where they won't care if I smoke?
Betty: I did a list of bars & clubs with smoking space and one for restaurants too. That usually means outside so have a happy winter. There were some places completely ignoring that rule. Stonewall and The Slide didn't seem top happy with it but I believe The Slide caved. Either way they rule.
Gawker: You said that drugs and backrooms are back, but without as much fun. Is New York recovering from the Giuliani nightlife crackdown? What's different about The New Sleaze?
Betty: Yes, I think we are slowly recovering from Miss Judy Rule-iani and her reign of terror. I'm so sick of people being all but he cleaned up the city, and there was no crime. Well duh, do you think there was a lot of crime in Nazi Germany? You could eat off those streets. No one ever says - hmm where did those hookers and homeless and homos go? I hope they re all right!! The new sleaze seems to be on the move. XXX at the Hole really set the tone. I miss that place. Open bar, naked strippers and backroom/fire trap - NOW that is what a gay bar should be, not Cosmos and chatting with celebrity DJ and hoping you didn't scuff the floor.
Gawker: Are there websites or magazines one should check to keep up on where the sex and drugs are at?
Betty: Most of the backrooms are open secrets. What they often do is not have them open every week. I know the cops "visited" a few places. Wanna die? Just scream cops in a crowded back room. Those girls can make tracks and they don't care who is in their way. They really are not good places for the claustrophobic, which just goes to show we need MORE!! Queers demand personal space in tearooms!! Probably a NY Post headline someday.
Gawker: Okay, some favorite hotspots: Bar at which you're most sure to get laid.
Betty: At the bar or elsewhere?
Gawker: Fair enough, I ll rephrase: best place to meet a guy for the night.
Betty: You're stumping me. I never wanted that much commitment. The low rent places are always a sure bet - they are thrilled to see anyone coming. If you want cute guys, Phoenix, although they always seem to be hedging their bets. At Barracuda, the guys have friends you need to separate. Boiler Room!! They come alone and leave with a new friend. All the attitude is gone now too.
Gawker: How about bar at which one can meet a rich boyfriend?
Betty: The Townhouse baby - always and forever - just like Cats.
Gawker: Bar where you'll have the weirdest night ever?
Betty: Spectrum in Bay Ridge (a separate world), Hannah's Lava Lounge (crazy drunks), Edelweiss (crooks and trannies in nooks and crannies), Dick's (at some point in the evening THERE WILL BE an inappropriate encounter).
Gawker: And someone will undoubtedly vomit. Bar at which a straight girl can find a gay guy to have sex with?
Betty: You know, when the smoking ban went in and the smoke cleared it was amazing how many places smelled like vomit.
Gawker: Umm, eww. Hey, how about best place a straight guy can find a gay guy to have sex with?
Betty: Sadly, it s closed: Berliniamsburg the home of sliding scale sexuality. I had sex with a straight guy once. He picked me up at the Boiler Room. There was an occurrence at Phoenix also (keep an eye out for Gramercy area housesitters).
Gawker: Poor Berliniamsburg. They desperately wanted to close before they got tired. Of course, it was a little late by then...
Betty: Williamsburg in general is a big sliding scale sexuality mess. Go there get drunk and rub against people - see what catches fire.
Gawker: Anything to say in closing?
Betty: Most ridiculous gay bar rumor of the year: the star of a popular action movie trilogy at the Hangar.
The Severe Queer Review Guide To New York [Amazon]

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