The weather appears to bite ass, but we'll still be bailing the hell out of Manhattan mid-afternoon with the rest of you. (Although, honestly? We might just skip the mad LIRR rush and take in an early showing of Soul Plane, which is sure to be the Citizen Kane of blacksploitation airline industry films. Seriously — Soul Plane, we're thinking, may be the best summer offering on the docket. We're super-stoked about the silver screen triumph of that Snoopy Dog Dogg fella!)

Anyway, some important rules for the mass exodus today after the jump.

1. Leave that shit at home, foolio. Don't be bringing your beach balls, your mint bushes, your collapsible barbeques, and all that crap on the LIRR. Don't do it. It's wall to wall people, and they don't need your ugly folding beach chairs wedged in their asses for two long hours.


2. Children need muzzles too. Duct tape will work. In fact, not only can you tape up their little mouths, when the train gets really full, you can tape them to the train's ceiling so they're out of real people's way.

3. We don't give a shit which Hampton you're going to, or whose house you're having dinner at tonight. Shut the hell up, you social-climbing recreational tanner.

4. Don't bring your four cats in their damn little cat carriers on the train. If you want to be a lesbian, go the whole nine yards and drive your communal she-wagon to the Catskills and leave us out of it.

5. To paraphrase a piece of graffiti we once saw on the LIRR, under the "Put Trash In Receptacles" sign: no, actually, trash gets off in Bayshore and takes itself out. Don't talk to us at the transfer in Jamaica or Babylon — just sit there and keep your shame to yourself.