Can someone please explain to us last night's MTV Video Music Awards? It seemed like little more than 3.5 hours of coked-up celebs screaming into the camera about, like, how AWESOME MIAMI IS, OMG! Don't misunderstand: we never watch any awards show, particularly those on MTV, expecting to be moved or impressed. Rather, we were hoping for one unbelievably rehearsed, pseudo-shocking moment that would fuel ironic and/or disgusted conversations for at least the next few days. Usually, these moments are provided by poptwit Britney Spears, but she was a no-show. So were most A-list celebs aside from those presenting or being nominated — with the inexplicable exception of Bruce Willis, who may very well have been the only person in attendance nearly as old as Kurt Loder. WTF?

We can only think of a handful of moments worth mentioning: clearly a memo had been distributed in which everyone was urged to wear white. Usher performed in a rainstorm but, unfortunately, wasn't electrocuted. Basketballer Shaquille O'Neal single-handedly brought back the shirtless-vest look. Outkast seemed a little tired of performing "Hey Ya" and we felt like there might have been some sort of message in their convention-themed performance. The Kerry daughters got booed for being, like, boring. Model and maid-beater Naomi Campbell wore jewels on the part in her hair, leading us to believe that if a bird shits on a model's head, it shits diamonds.

It was all very educational and ultimately boring. We feel a little robbed, like we lost a few more hours of our lives. Is this the beginning of the end for the age of audacious awards shows? And, if so, are we going to be stuck watching the Tonys instead?

Related:
The VMAs: No Britney Whatsoever [Defamer]
MTV Video Music Awards [ArjanWrites]

Contact information for this author is not available.