It's noon. You know what that means? New Yorker Festival ticket time! Sadly, you know that thanks to the culture-tards, these tickets are going to be gone in, like, 5 minutes. Run — don't walk — to your nearest phone to call Ticketmaster this very instant. Or, since you're reading this online, it might be easier to just hit the Ticketmaster index of festival listings and buy on their website. Duh. Our picks for events are here.
Oh, and if that's not your thing, there's always the Dorothy Parker Anti-New Yorker Festival, which promises to not be a "'serious'" literary event. We're so torn.