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Lately, we feel a little overwhelmed: there seems to be such an influx of trashy celebrity memoirs, we don't even know where to begin. Which salacious tell-all is best? Which assemblage of brain-rotting chicken scratch is worth our time? Thankfully, Intern Alexis is on the case. After the jump, she gives a rundown of what you should be reading on the toilet and why.

Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose
By Paris Hilton

All you illiterates out there, fear not this book is so accessible it s practically in Braille. But we love Paris and we adore lines like, By being brave — and channeling my inner heiress — I created a new opportunity for young heiresses. See, now we can write things like, Heh, we re sure that a lot of people would like to channel your inner heiress, Paris.

How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale
By Jenna Jameson with Neil Strauss

For some reason, Jenna Jameson has hipster cred. Maybe it was the PAPER Magazine cover she did last summer or maybe it s because she teamed up with the pseudo-hip Neil Strauss, but for whatever reason, you apparently don t need to wrap the cover of this book in a brown paper bag as you read it on the L-train. Also, her rags to riches tale is actually kind of engaging! Gawker recommends!

Star: A Novel
By Pamela Anderson

While not a memoir, per se, Star is as much a novel as we are sober right now. But that doesn t bother us so much. What bothers us and when we say bother, we mean hot and bother are all the yummy sex scenes. It s like a trashy romance novel with a little bit of rape thrown in and without so much trash as it turns out, Pam can actually write. Or at least her ghost-writer can. Indeed, as someone (we forget who) said, With Star, Pamela Anderson declares herself as the Jean-Paul Sartre of the tabloid generation.

Everything About Me Is Fake And I m Perfect
By Janice Dickinson

Come now, Janice. Two memoirs? Who do you think you are? America s first supermodel or something? In any case, Janice talks candidly about the oodles of plastic surgery she endured, which is refreshing, but at the same time, do we really care about you? We d rather read about her hunky co-judge on America s Next Top Model, Eric Nicholson.

And, if these aren't enough, you can always look forward to the following releases to come:

By Tommy Lee with Anthony Bozza

It ll be interesting to see how Tommyland fares up against Pamela s Star. Who would have thought that their nasty love battle would take on so literary a form!

Don t Try This at Home: A Year in the Life of Dave Navarro
By Dave Navarro and Neil Strauss

Coke, heroin, and Neil Strauss, oh my! After some delays, Americans will finally be able to wrap their grimy little fingers around Dave Navarro, aka that fugly guy who somehow managed to get with Carmen Electra.