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Genital-mining sister site Fleshbot tips us to a story in News of the World alleging the existence of yet another Paris Hilton sex tape. Since sequels must be both bigger and less imaginative, the possible video runs 12 hours and supposedly stars ex-boyfriends Nick Carter and Jason Shaw repeatedly putting their penises into her vagina while she mugs for the camera. No word on whether Paris interrupts the theoretical hot action by pausing to hunt for her misplaced chihuahua, sign copies of her autobiography, or take calls from a delighted publicist, who is probably behind this story in the first place.

My God. What kind of a world do we live in when we have to be cynically dismissive of a celebrity porn tape? Excuse us while we practice tying a noose and devise a pithy suicide epigram. Paris Hilton has officially drained all joy from our corner of the universe.