Friday:
You know what rappers love more than fur coats and $15,000 watches? Homeless people. For serious! They're so real. The dapper Kanye West, Common (you may have seen him in some Coca-Cola commercials a while back), and the X-Ecutioners (who really are nice guys, despite their scary name) perform at Hammerstein Ballroom tonight in to raise funds for The New Life Project. Or, you can skip it and send twenty-seven bucks directly to a homeless charity, and go see Jay-Z in Fade to Black at a theater near you: "This is a movie, dogg."

Enjoy dancing and being called an 'idiot' to your face? Have we got an event for you! DJ Overdose (or as his mother calls him, Sheldon), Dirty Jean (who really should shower), The Famous Brett Burton (or as most people call him, "Who?"), and Cowboy Mark (no joke: he's named Mark, and he's a, um, cowboy) at The Music Gallery in the neighborhood time forgot, Williamsburg. Bonus: "Vitamin Water Open Bar!" (Exclamation point theirs, we assure you.)

Daily Show funnyman Ed Helms performs at the Village Lantern tonight as part of the Sweet Paprika comedy series with a bunch of other people you've never heard of but who nonetheless have nice headshots (except for Matt Hall: he's camera shy). Go ask Ed why he and his colleagues didn't work hard enough and got us stuck with four more years. Seriously: I implore you to ask him that.

Saturday:
We've heard something about a big stadium coming to Brooklyn and some people getting upset. These are the same people who dump their kids at Chuck E. Cheeses while they shop for cheap shit at Target, but apparently, they're concerned about traffic and drunken jocks pissing on their brownstone stoops. (Sheesh, some people!) Develop Don't Destroy Brooklyn throws a party tonight at the Brooklyn Lyceum to raise money to thwart the construction and dam the mighty piss river. If you're extra good, stay late and help sort the recyclables.

Sunday:
35,000 idiots (minus one conspicuously absent rap mogul) run around Manhattan for no apparent reason other than to run around Manhattan. (It's like the world's biggest game of tag, and home base is always a borough or two away.) If you don't want to stand on the sidewalk, cheering on these runnin' fools ("Go, Sandy! Go, Jeff!" There's gotta be at least 50 or 60 Sandys and Jeffs in the crowd), go play with a bunch of hipster Japanese toys at the Toy2R Expo at Yoyamart, which, according to the website, is located in the neighborhood time should forget, "the fashionable Meatpacking District of New York."