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We continue our practice of corralling guest-dissectors to pick the fur balls and Herringbones out of New York magazine's Look Book subjects. In this week's edition we are treated to Michael and Kathryn Cerussi, a corporate lawyer and former Glamour magazine exec from the early 80's. We haven't been this horrified by looking at a couple since the bath tub scene in Party Monster with Macaulay Culkin and Chlo Sevigny. Intern Alexis provides expert commentary by interviewing Tricia Romano of the Village Voice, Jon Boschetto who is a PhD candidate at Princeton, and Fleshbot Intern Matthew Schneier because no one else is around this week. All is revealed after the jump.

Tricia Romano, Village Voice nightlife columnist

How would you help Michael and Kathryn?

This almost isn t fair— it s like shooting fish in a barrel. Since I never venture above 14th Street, I didn t know people like this actually existed. First, I would help humanity— before helping Michael and Kathryn (because they clearly don t want for anything)—by removing them from the planet and banishing them to the basement of a nasty LES bar, where they d serve out the remainder of their lives picking up the cigarette butts and empty cocaine packets left by dirty hipsters.

To all wealthy people living on the upper east side: DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT get fashion tips from mid 80s movies starring Michael Douglas, in which everyone is a rich asshole. Even if you actually are a rich asshole. (And no, Michael Douglas did not dress really cool in that movie!)

After I take away Kathryn s ostentatious, disgusting, vile, not to mention really ugly, fur coat, for which at least 100 animals probably died, I will put her in something more distinguished, preferably, a long dark wool coat, which is very warm, yet understated and she can still carry her purse (I can t see it here, but my guess is it s one of those unimaginative Louis Vuitton jobs) which costs more than two months of my rent, so everyone will still know that she s well to do. Kathryn s obviously a victim of Too Much Plastic Surgery. They forgot to leave some skin on her face—she looks skeletal! Gain a little weight, and let yourself age gracefully.

As for Michael, you re loaded. Stop shopping at Zegna and go to Prada or any other proper designer. Go for dark suits instead of this pansy tan stuff. Don t slick back your hair only gross corporate trial lawyers and guidos from Staten Island do that. (Oh yeah, you are a gross corporate trial lawyer.) Whatever, get a hair cut and lose the gel. And don t ever turn up the collar on your jacket. Life is not a Robert Downey Jr. movie.

In all fairness, New York should go to Williamsburg and pick a hipster any old hipster, just grab one off Bedford for a future column.

What do you imagine their marriage is like?


Michael Cerussi: Classy or classist?


Jon Boschetto, PhD candidate in musicology, Princeton University

How would you help Michael and Kathryn?

Let's take a look at this in two parts: Mme. Cerussi, apparently fresh from her mink-hunting excursion at Saks, has no qualms about covering herself with dead animal skins. Usually I'd say this is a fashion/ethical no-no, but for Mme. Cerussi, the conspicuousness of consumption and blatant disregard for furry, happy, and cute woodland animals come together in a post-egalitarian "fuck you" to our pre-election sense of social consciousness. You go, lady! Besides, who could resist her in that cuddly coat? Certainly not the "nice man" who "bagged" her minksy that one time in the early eighties... Final score: A

M. Cerussi does fairly well, but could use one kernel of wisdom from moi. Obviously not a tourist and just as obviously a resident of The Upper East Side (and, lest we forget, Greenwich, CT!), M. Cerussi should know that Zegna has been employing outer-borough native Adrien Brody for a couple of years now. As they say, you can take the boy out of Queens, but you can't take the Queens out of the boy. Thus, M. Cerussi should know he is one step closer to wearing wife beaters and work boots and being called "papi" by the mamacitas on his block (of which there must be many). And while I oft extol the virtues of hair product, "Hair Stay" sounds unfortunately more akin to Rogaine than bumble & bumble. The verdict: B-

What do you imagine Michael and Kathryn's marriage is like?

Sexy, sexy! The way Mme. Cerussi answers for her beau gives us a clue as to who wears the pants in this relationship. I d bet something went on with M. Cerussi and woman friend a while ago, and Mme. Cerussi s been milking that for what it s worth ever since. A house on the Vineyard, a 3 karat ring, etc. etc. Good for her. She knows how to be a true lady who lunches.

Michael Cerussi: Classy or classist?

The sunglasses speak for themselves. 100% maffioso class.

Fleshbot Intern Matthew Schneier. He's such an old pro he even added his own question.

How would you help Michael and Kathryn?

Michael and Kathryn need no help. They are old New York the way old New York oughta be: generic, cartoonish, and leathery. I like a couple who look like they've never seen a subway in their lives. These two are the literal definition of Co-op Board Presidents. Why mess with an old standard? If anything, they need to be more flashy. Where's Kathryn's lipstick? And where's her sorry-I-fucked-the-secretary-honey diamond ring?

What do you imagine Michael and Kathryn's marriage is like?

Two words: light bondage. Grey Goose after work, the delicate thwack of an Amex Black applied just hard enough to the posterior to bruise but not to wound, and a coterie of household slaves not brave enough to tell the Cerussis they're no longer called darkies. Plus really, really nice flatware. Some things, after all, are just necessary.

Kathryn Cerussi: fur-forward?

I applaud Kathryn's decision to wear fur. It is horrifying to think that in our day and age, people could throw paint at couture. It's no accident, I'm sure, that it's RED paint being thrown need one say more? I mean, Communist homosexualist tendencies are what's destroying this city and its proud traditions of greed. It's just so appallingly Jewish.

Michael Cerussi: classy or classist?

What's the difference?