L.A. Under Siege By Off-White Burglars

Page Six looks at a Vanity Fair article detailing a crime wave sweeping through our city's richest enclaves, perpetrated by a shadowy army of off-white superburglars:

Most commonly the crews are Russian, or Cuban, or Mexican, or Colombian. Their members enter the country illegally, with false papers — making it almost impossible for law enforcement to identify them.[...]
The bandits may have figured out that the LAPD has only 9,000 cops, compared to the NYPD, which has 35,000, and there are a lot more square miles to cover in L.A.

Ack, not only are these bandits illegal immigrants, they're math geniuses! And even though they've thrown in some Russians to avoid exacerbating the already-heightened fear of brownish people by homeowners in the Hollywood Hills, there's still reason for panic:

It's hard to work up much sympathy for the pampered victims. One of their biggest security risks is all the servants, gardeners and tradesmen who work on their estates.

The burglars may already be among you, vaccuuming your rumpus rooms and clipping your hedges as they search for vulnerabilities in your security systems. There's nothing left to do but lock yourself in the wine cellar with the jewelry and pray these monsters take the children instead.