Brad and Jen: Aftermath Analysis

Truth be told, Gawker HQ is a complete mess right now. Ever since Friday night, when we learned that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were separated, we've been stumbling around in a lithium-fueled haze. Empty cartons of Ben & Jerry's are everywhere. We're only wearing elastic waistbands. Things are not good. How are we expected to go on? Is nothing sacred? And why, God, why did you take our genetically perfect couple away from us? Was their combined prettiness too much? Was it for intellectual reasons, like politics? Or was it something more sinister? A reader writes in:

So I guess everyone must be really shocked that the "IT" couple Brad and Jen have split, but a few of us aren't. Myself particularly. I worked with Brad 3 and half years ago on that 9/11 telethon (where George Clooney promised everyone that the cash was gonna help the NY victims but then the Red Cross kept all the money to renovate their offices or something). It's not necessary to say what my role on the show was but I had to deal with him — and I almost keeled over everytime I had to because — aside from being insanely perfect in person — he was fully flirting with me! A fellow co-worker saw everything and all we could say was, "Wha...? He just married Rachel! Oh. My. Gawd. Where are my knee pads?!" He was fully pullin' the "Hi, I'm Brad Pitt, I know I'm hot, and you're kind of cute, so I'm gonna juice this for all it's worth." I didn't take advantage of the moment because, well, I thought I was dreaming. And I was a fucking idiot. And oh yeah, a friend of mine who worked on the set of Mr.& Mrs. Smith told me that Brad hooked up with Angelina on the set. But that's just gossip.

This is reality, people. Our nation lost its innocence this weekend and we're wearing goth makeup until the two patch things up.
Related: Full team Brad & Jen coverage continues at Defamer.