· Paris torturing Iraqi prisoners by simply engaging them in conversation.
· Paparazzi sketch: Paris will dress up as a paparazzi photographer (Amy Poehler will be the main photog) and they will shout things at celebrities to get them to take their picture on the red carpet. Hilarity will almost ensue when Paris shouts at her glamorous self and tells her to stop being such a bitchy whore and put some underwear on.
· "CSI: Paris" She ID's bodies strictly by their penises.
· Paris as a 50's beatnik (complete with black outfit, beret & cigarette) reciting one of her avant garde poems about her dog. OR Paris as a street mime.
· Paris hired by Democratic goons to try and bed Dick Cheney, thereby killing him.
· Sex tape sketch: Paris will re-enact stealing her own sex tape from a store and takes a few others as well without paying even though she's a millionaire. Funny, right?
· Paris as Helen Keller.
· Donatella Versace or Prince sketch: Paris will be a guest on Donatella's show with other to-be-named later celebrities. Donatella will call Paris a bitch numerous times, splash her alcoholic drink in Paris' face and tells her to "GET OUT!" If this doesn't work, Paris could be a guest on Prince's talk show (played by Fred Armisen) and Beyonce co-hosts (played by Maya Rudolph). Prince makes her do crazy things (eating a sandwich could be one of them) and then tries to convert her to be a Jehovah's witness and she agrees since she's so over Kabbalah.
· Paris shows clips of movie roles she has tried out for but been passed on:
-Paris Hilton as Bridget Jones: (Madonna-style bad British accent) "Like, I am totally not thin anymore. I am totally fat. Ewww...what boy would want to make a sex video with me looking like this...bullocks and stuff."
-Paris Hilton as Princess Leia: "Like this other universe place is so...not HOT."
-Paris Hilton as Lady MacBeth: "FUCKING SPOTTTTTTTT!!!! My dress is totally ruined."
-Paris Hilton as Joan of Arc: "Dude, I WANNNA GET OFF THIS POST RIGHT NOW. It's HOT."
· Clearly, she would do an amazing job as the girl who SHOULD have won America's Next Top Model's second season, Shandi Sullivan. Also, if you slap a piece of brown felt on her head I think she could pass as
· Paris in a commercial for "feminine protection".
· Paris for President: Sketch in which SNL fast forwards to about 25 years from now and the country has elected her for President. Still claims things are "hot."
· I predict that there's a TV Funhouse 'toon to make up how lame a host she will be. Can she read the teleprompter correctly with that lazy eye?
· Paris with Stuart Smalley, or whatever his name was. "And damnit, I'm hot enough."
· They'll do this without me saying it, but Paris Hilton plays someone smart while some cast member plays Paris Hilton. If I were a betting man, I'd say they use a male cast member in drag - back when SNL was funny, it would have been Spade.
Second thing that might actually be funny is having her walk through all of the skits and say "That's hot!" and walk out. Funny, and I think she could handle the role.
$5 to your fav. charity says that she bobbles at least one of her lines. [Ed.—you're on!]
· Paris and a Sit-and-Spin. Just five minutes of that.