The O.C.'s Lesbian-Lite, Ratings Stunt Kiss

We tuned in to The O.C. to check out Mischa Barton's Big Sapphic Adventure (you know, the much-ballyhooed "lesbian" kiss—video clip at TVGasm, bottom of page), an event preceded by weeks of blue-balling, incremental plot developments.("Hey! I think Marissa and Alex just shared a meaningful glance!") The stage was finally set for Mischa Barton to do something memorable that doesn't involve primal screaming and the senseless abuse of patio furniture: There was a backdrop of gentle nighttime surf, lots of incredibly obvious dialogue about "the tides changing," and a hot actress who likely won't be around long enough for things to get too uncomfortable at the craft service table.

And? We've gotten hotter kisses from fat aunts who were pinching our cheeks until we cried. Showing her usual deep commitment to the craft of looking uncomfortable anytime a camera is pointed at her, Barton snapped her mouth closed tighter than a former child actor's asshole when "Beat It" plays on the radio. Merely showing up for work and pressing your lips against someone else's do not a sweeps ratings stunt make, Mischa. When you don't deliver the tongue with the season on the line, don't be surprised to find your character solving her identity crisis by taking a four-slice toaster with her into the jacuzzi.