As promised, we've shelved all ambitions of crashing the Kodak Theatre or the Vanity Fair Morton's bash to sit here on the sofa, drink to the point of kidney failure, and liveblog Hollywood's Biggest Night. Who will be the first to allow Oscar's gilded phallus to tickle their tonsils, and who'll be assuming the "insincerely smiling for the winner" position, and accepting his golden shaft into their nether regions?
Things are about to get underway... [New stuff at the top.]
8:37: Dustin Hoffman is clearly drunk as he slurs his way through the nominees for Best Picture. Million Dollar Baby wins! Clint drags his grizzled bones back on stage to accept the award. We had no idea that Bea Arthur produced the movie, but she gives a moving acceptance speech. Even the horn blasts from the orchestra can't stop the lesser producer person from getting in some thanks. Next year, go with a louder, more obnoxious horn blast.
Chris Rock loudly thanks Brooklyn for...something. America has survived his filthy, envelope-pushing, expletive-laden emceeing onslaught. Martin Scorsese begs Robert DeNiro to put him down like a three-legged dog. Annette Bening asks Warren Beatty to loosen the snaps that hold her face taut. Jamie Foxx heads to Morton's to receive some very public fellatio from a B-list actress.
And we retire to the bathroom to return some of the Bud Light we've swallowed to get through this night to its rightful home. See you tomorrow.
8:34: Clint wins Best Director! Martins Scorses may have to work for another century before he gets his moment in the Oscar sun. The Aviator 3: The Milk Bottles Are All Full is going to be a lock for Marty, but it'll be more of a Lifetime Achievment thing.
Haven't heard a word Eastwood's said. But he's got the trophy, that's all the counts.
8:25: Best Actor time...and it's Jamie Foxx time. Yawn. We were kind of hoping for a Don Cheadle win, because watching the heavens open and a rain of bloody salamanders in clown makeup would've been pretty awesome. (Yes, we are drunk.) Foxx does the "Yeaaaaah. Huuuuh." thing that he's done at every awards show this year. Yeah, huh. Ray Charles is excited for you, etc etc.
OK, we're starting to be won over: Foxx thanks his grandma and thinks she should've won an Oscar for whooping him. Kind of rehearsed and without genuine emotion, but also great in its own way. Whoop Jamie's ass, grandma!
Foxx may be an Oscar winner, but we'll always remember him from his Unleashed World Tour t-shirt:
8:16: Charlie Kaufman wins for Best Original Screenplay! Sweet justice! Kaufman notes the 30-second shot clock that limits his speech, because Gil Cates knows that no one wants to hear writers speak (this might result in increased DVD residuals for WGA members). Kaufman meekly retires from the stage, glad that he wasn't forced to accept his award from the back of the theater, staring at the bald spot on the top of the sound editor from Spider-Man's head. Did we mention that Eternal Sunshine was the real Best Picture? It was.
8:14: Chris Rock on Gwyneth: She breast-feeds an apple. How droll.
8:05: Hilary Swank wins Best Actress (umm, duh)! Tragically, she wasn't able to find a stylist to dress her on her big night, and had to settle for slipping into a three-dollar navy blue stocking from JC Penney cut down to reveal her toned ass-crack.
She goes to the "girl from a trailer park" thing, which is obscene for someone who's just won their SECOND Oscar. Um, you've already overcome the Cheez Wiz sandwiches and GTOs on blocks in the driveway years ago? White trash cred expires after the first award, Hils.
She saves thanking Clint Eastwood to the end...then, as the music blares, erases any genuine Clint sentiment by loudly thanking "her best friend and publicist." This will go down as one of the worst speeches in the history of spoken language. Can they get that statue back and hand it to the Botox-paralyzed Annette Bening, who won't know she's lost until the middle of the Vanity Fair party?
8:03: Sean Penn laments that five thousand actors can't be nominated for Best Actor/Actress each year, the only way that the craft can be properly respected. Lesser Baldwins watching from check-cashing instutitons silently nod their approval.
8:01: Prince presents Best Original Song, but can barely hide his contempt for people who don't play all their own instruments while wearing ten-inch platform heels. The Motorcycle Diaries wins..
7:58: Beyonce and Josh Groban—go together like peanut butter and baby vomit. It's a lovely duet, really. You have no idea how great a PB and BV sandwich is until you've indulged.
7:50: Not even Yo Yo Ma's cello playing can bring back those Hollywood has lost over the last year. But wait! Ma's delicate notes revive Ronald Reagan and Christopher Reeve, who Indian leg-wrestle on the Oscar stage. Reeves wins three out of five falls, and is allowed entrance to Heaven. Reagan...well, he never stood a chance in front of an audience of Hollywood liberals.
7:41: Someone in the control room flips the "Bloated Has-Been" switch and John Travolta appears in a cloud of fire and brimstone to present Best Original Score. Finding Neverland wins, but there seems to have been some kind of mistake, as this award should've been given out at the Broken English Awards, hosted by Scarlett Johansson.
The camera keeps cutting to FN star Johnny Depp, who looks like he was dressed by a high school English teacher who's had the fashion lobe removed from his brain.
7:35: We're kind of loving this on-stage firing squad thing, but we might be blinded by Natalie Portman's freakish beauty. The bin below the stage holding the bodies of the dead, losing nominees must really be quite pungent by now.
Also, we're happy that Craig T. Nelson is supplementing his income with short documentary work.
Rock suggests that the short doc people should've been given their Oscars in the parking lot. How about at an undisclosed location in the Valley? Woulnd't want anyone mistakenly making eye-contact with Jack Nicholson.
7:30: Antonia Banderas singing erases all ability to think about spurious hot lesbian action between Penlope y Salma, so we offer you this dispatch from an operative in the Oscar Press Room: "So much ass-licking in this press room... Sidney Lumet is now praising Vin Diesel in a touching effort, 'Vin got his break as a muscle car racer and he's a glorious actor if you have seen some of his work...'" Vin Diesel: Glorious! We believe he cribbed that description of Vin from the Data Lounge.
7:20: Penelope Cruz y Salma Hayek: En Escandalo de Lesbianas!
Ray wins for Best Sound Mixing/The Incredibles for Sound Editing. But hey, fiery, fake Spanish-language-tabloid lesbos!
7:15: The Aviator wins for Best Cinematography. The Baby Jesus weeps.
7:11: The Live Action Short Film winner is consigned to the in-audience ghetto, as is Animated Short Film. We expect a bloody revolution by filmmakers with no resources and a short attention span by late Monday afternoon.
6:57: Oh, that dude's not dead! Not even Vin Diesel playing the most musclebound lawyer ever could kill Sidney Lumet. He'll live forever. Lumet, we mean. Diesel's going to suffer a tragic stroller accident on the set of The Pacifier 2.
6:53: The non-Colin Farrell guy from The Recruit is talking about some old director, which has resulted in a montage of that person's work. Did someone die?
6:47: We were only kidding about fucking Jake Gyllenhaal. We'd never touch anyone that's fucked Kirsten Dunst. Plus, last time we checked, we're straight. But anything is possible on Hollywood's Biggest Night!
6:46: Holy shit, someone's shaved Jake Gyllenhaal's head! On a lesser heartthrob, he'd look like a second-rate gay porn model. But on Jake, his Dreamy Eyes are enhanced in a totally dreamy-eyed, dreamboaty way. We'd fuck him.
Spider-Man 2 wins something.
6:44: Alexander Payne and The Other Guy win Best Adapted Screenplay for Sideways. We're always disappointed when writers so shamelessly thank their agents. Don't they know that agents subsist entirely on a diet of dropped writer clients' genitalia?
6:42: Chris Rock and old SNL pal Adam Sandler indulge in some highly eroticized scripted banter. If they're not blowing each other in ten seconds, we're flipping over to Bravo.
6:36: An entire roomful of people breaks into hysterical laughter at the very sight of Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz. It appears that just before the Crows took the stage, Sideshow Bob successfully attacked Duritz's head and is sodomizing his scalp.
6:34: The Aviator wins for Best Editing...things are looking good for Martin Scorsese. You know, unless they aren't. What the fuck do we know? We're drinking keg beer.
6:30: Just in case anyone cares, Leonardo DiCaprio is wearing Prada. I know this because I saw him talk to Star Jones on the red carpet—and he barely shows any ill effects from when Jones spotted the pork chop Leo was inexplicably wearing around his neck earlier, and lunged hungrily for his windpipe, fangs bared. It was an ugly scene.
Something about kids of hookers wins Best Doc.
6:24: Cate Blanchett wins for Best Supporting Actress for her Kate Hepburn impression. Thanks her agent right after her husband—she knows where her bread is buttered, and will be getting a fresh basket of delicious Chinese babies from CAA in the morning.
6:17: Oscar Innovations, Part II: All Costume Design nominees are gathered on stage. All but the Aviator's crew are shot in the back of the head, their lifeless, losing bodies dropping through trap doors.
6:14: Scarlett Johansson was chosen to host Oscar's Broken English Awards, which were handed out earlier. People who don't speak-a the Engleesh so good are funny! All will be lynched following the telecast.
6:11: A tech runs out onto the stage to hand Rock a microphone, which is obviously filled with Booty Call jokes for when he introduces Jamie Foxx.
6:02: The make-up people are the first below-the-line category to be forced to stay far, far away from the stage, where they might make eye contact with the people they spackle pancake onto for a living. A stop-watch brandishing Gil Cates must've saved at least three and a half seconds by keeping the poor powder-puff kids near their chairs. Oscar continues to shake things up! What's next, a total reversal of gravity, sending the nominees for Best Sound Design hurtling through the ceiling? (Lemony Snicket wins, btw.)
5:57: The best thing about Robin Williams (besides the Ebonics Black Guy, the Phlegmy Jewish Guy, and the Lisping Gay that live inside him) is that he never makes an event all about him.
Oh, The Incredibles, Mortal Oscar Lock number two of the evening, wins—while Robin Williams gropes a spokesbimbo in the background. He just keeps giving!
5:51: In the night's first mortal lock of the night, Morgan Freeman wins for Million Dollar Baby. If you haven't seen the movie yet, here's a spoiler: Freeman plays a one-eyed former who is impregnated by Clint Eastwood's grizzled trainer and give birth to a bag of money, played by Hilary Swank.
Freeman gives perhaps the shortest Oscar speech in history. He neglects to thank Chad Lowe for allowing wife Hilary Swank to diminsh his manhood by playing characters far more butch than he could ever hope to be.
5:45: Oscar's first big curveball...leading with Art Direction? Holy shit, they're really shaking things up this year! We half expect that the second half of the ceremony will be done in Latin. The Aviator wins, meaning at least one minor Miramax functionary gets to keep their testicles/ovaries for a bit longer.
5:42: Rock goes edgy with a Catwoman 2 joke for Halle Berry...guess the hit-and-run jokes are hopelessly out of date.
5:35 pm—Chris Rock receives a standing ovation just for showing up, immediately notes the number of black nominees (yay!), then makes a Def Oscar Jam joke (boo). Scores some points off of Colin Farrell, who we vaguely remember starred as a somewhat gay conquereor who gave meaningful glances to a guy with too much eye makeup, then made up for it by banging Rosario Dawson for half an hour.