The Defamer Special Pre-Oscar Agent-Hosted Party Correspondent infiltrated CAA bigshot Bryan Lourd's A-list awards orgy and promptly filed this report, which we are now not as promptly sharing with you now. Inside: Robin Williams! Julia Roberts! A fat Tobey Maguire! Jen and Brad talking! To each other! Also in attendance: just about everyone else in Hollywood that an agency would need present for an obligatory salad-tossing as the Oscars approached. We'll get out of the way now and let Correspondent X do her thing:
So, a girlfriend and I went to the CAA party Friday night up at Bryan Lourd's house. I assumed it would be like the ICM/Elle Girl party the night before (stuffy, boring), but it was honestly the most A-list party I've ever attended. No media allowed, but I'm sure Rick and Kathy Hilton have already sold the story to US Weekly. Here's the report, with my friend's (from now on referred to as TF) observations in parentheses. My mission was to kiss as many celebs as possible. I'm sure there were more people, but I can only type for so long.
Walked in and was given a wrist corsage. As I giggled to my girlfriend that we were at the Celebrity prom, I ran into Robin Williams talking to Carrie Fisher (TF: "Mork is talking to Princess Leia. If I was a nerd this would be heaven"). He seemed surprisingly less coked out, yet as little as a gnome.
—Oliver Stone looked at my ass. I wanted him to talk Brett Ratner out of making any more movies, but I think he was avoiding him. (TF whispered: "There are 5 of us sitting by the pool and one of them is Oliver Stone and it's not me")
-Pierce Brosnan absolutely could NOT pull off another Bond role, yet I had a masturbation fantasy looking at him and his normal-bodied wife. He's wrinkly and smokes.
-Tobey Maguire (who is definitely fat) was chatting with Napoleon Dynamite for a while (who is definitely a little hot in a weird "He's not really Napoleon" way) and ate carpaccio (TF: "Spiderman should NOT be eating in front of people with that fat head")
-Orlando Bloom kissed me on the lips-TWICE. Think it's a European thing, but TF insisted he almost opened his mouth. I told him he was "a gorgeous creature" to which he responded, "YOU are, Baby" and kissed me again. SWEAR it was the highlight of my life. He bounced around being sweet to everyone and flirting with Salma Hayek. Those would be pretty kids.
-Penelope Cruz. who looked really tired (TF: "She's dating Matthew McConaughey. She's probably sexed out!"). We talked for a while and she introduced Jennifer Garner's sister from Alias (IMDB that yourself) who proceeded to chat with us in Espanol. I was tempted to ask if Matthew was home playing bongos naked, but refrained, as I already had the Pierce
fantasy stored in my head.
-Meg Ryan's lips were drinking water and talking to Natalie Portman and Clive Owen. Just as I said "What if Julia Roberts was here" I heard her and The A-list version of Kevin Federline (Danny Moder) talking about their babies. She looks like a mom now. And very smiley. Where was Jude Law?
-Started getting starstruck until I saw Jennifer Aniston because we've met a bunch of times and she's THE sweetest. Ran over and gave her a hug and chatted. Introduced her to the TF who had a funny look on her face. I later realize it was because Brad Pitt was standing next to me. She's a little skinnier than usual, but assume it's because bathing suit season is coming up (Jen, not TF). BTW: I hate that the tabloids won't leave them alone, so I won't put their business out there from the party, but I will say Brad and Jen chatted a lot privately. They were definitely not angry at each other (TF: "They're too pretty to be mad") but arrived separately. He couldn't stop being surrounded by people.
-Carrie Anne Moss waited for her husband at the bathroom with us. TF almost kicked her in the head to show off her kickboxing skills, but I talked her outof it just in time. She finally lost the baby weight but looked unhappy the whole time (Again, Trinity, not TF).
-Aaron somebody (The one that everyone confuses with Cary Elwes and Guy Pearce). [Ed.note—Eckhart?] He's boring but smells fantastic.
-Harvey Weinstein resembled his picture on Defamer EXACTLY. I told him I needed a job and he smirked. Grrrr.... Also mentioned I'll be at the Miramax party and he couldn't have cared less. Not at all possible that he cared less. Seriously, he didn't.
-P.Diddy and Brett Ratner sat on the couch and chatted for about 10 minutes. Presumably about blowing blingy things up.
-Convinced Jason Statham that we know each other. Told him I was moving to London and he offered to put me up, even though I think he lives in the north of the UK. Very nice, chatted with us for a long time. I believe I professed love for him also and he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. He was with a friend who called his son in England, but his cell phone
kept going out. I offered mine hoping I could later stalk The Transporter, but Sprint foiled my plan. He was very flirty and affectionate. I would almost go as far as saying we were canoodling. Oh yeah...canoodling.
Chad Lowe escaped from Hilary Swank's lisp to come outside where we were and almost ran in to the sliding glass door leading to this exchange:
TF: "If you put your hand out first, you can tell if the door is open."
Chad Lowe:"Oooh, thanks"
(maybe that situation is funnier with Jason Statham sitting next to you giggling like a schoolgirl)
-Juliana Margulies was the only tv person there, looked bored. (TF: "Ummm...she has pretty hair, but should she REALLY be here? Then again- WE are- so I'll just shut up").
-Hayden Christensen is hot. The End. Tried to make him kiss my lips, but he deferred to the cheek. TF was oblivious as to who he was, but encouraged me to hit on him. His agent is a junior agent at CAA and kept trying to keep him away from me.
-Vin Diesel and I danced as we were the only brown people there (TF: "Is it a requirement that only one minority from each ethnicity is represented?"). He's hot. He almost fell into the pond and I saved him. When he left the paparazzi swarmed him and signed some autographs. He got in the giant car and rolled the window down and we talked while he waited for his security to get in the car. I believe we will be married soon. Wish I was a whore, I would have given it up instantly to Triple X. (TF: "You couldn't have made a triple x with Triple X")
-Renee Zellweger hid her purse behind the curtains in a bedroom. I explained how to hide your jacket under a couch when you don't want to find the coat check and she was grateful for my ghetto ass trick. Then Tom Ford ran in and she and TF schreeched excitement and chaos ensued. All I can really remember is they were throwing towels, and Tom threw one onto
the bed and I actually said, "Wow. that's creative" and he nodded in approval. Renee's little tiny sweetie eyes went to the bathroom with me, but disappointedly we didn't do coke. She's giggly.
-Jamie Foxx didn't seem to remember me, but in all fairness he was probably distracted perfecting his Oscar Speech. I asked if he was tired of it yet ("Nope") and to thank me in his speech. TF believes he will. He's having his post Oscar party Sunday night and invited us and Hilary Swank who was sitting on a couch perfecting her own speech.
-TF asked Virginia Madsen if she played the mom in "Nightmare on Elm Street" which was extra funny because Virginia's finally a bona-fide actress and TF only knows her from the worst movie ever.
-I chatted with Rick and Kathy Hilton for a long time. Know them randomly from back in the day and Kathy is always sweet. I told them to have Paris call me. TF chimed in helpfully "Or you could find her (mine) number on one of those websites
that has all of Paris' contact's info." I almost peed my pants, Rick looked devastatingly mad, but Kathy proceeded to become best friends with TF. They ran around the party together for a few minutes talking to people. Apparently Paris is flying back today and her little brother's miss her. Awwwwww.
-Gina Gershon is hot. TF and I were going to make out in front of her and see if she got turned on, but we forgot.
-Amber Valetta was hitting on Orlando Bloom forEVER. I looked smug that he lip'd me and only cheek'd her.
-Garcelle Beauvis-Nilon and I work on a volunteer project together so I knew her. She looked gorgeous and not at all mad that people kept confusing her with P.Diddy's chick.
-I hugged the tall Vince Vaughn who gave me the sorriest hug ever. When I told him he half-assed hugged me he said "That's how I do it, baby" and turned his fat, stupid ass back to me. I looked at the TF who was in shock and pinched his ass. TF tried to console me: "At a party where Julia's rambling about her kids to Queen Amidala, Vince Vaughn might have been out of his element of celebrity-dom. Plus he's got an asshole problem." Kind of funny that he's still trying to talk like he's in "Swingers" Hate him now. His friend wasn't good looking either. If you're going to take a plus one to an A plus party, at least bring your "A-Game" friends.