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An operative files this report from the premiere of Vin Diesel's attempt at a kiddie franchise, The Pacifier. (And here we thought that after Kindergarten Cop, we'd never again experience the magic of someone who struggles with the English language chasing after children.) Unfortunately for our mole, the after-party was predictably a bad scene for getting drunk and/or laid, though we think the bounce castle was clearly a missed opportunity:

Just rolled in from THE PACIFIER premiere. It's only 11 pm so that tells you something right there about the premiere party. Cannot say I saw even ONE celebrity (Vin was noticeably MIA*), except for the older male child in the movie. He was hot in a sexually confused, prepubescent way.

Since there were children there, my companions and I were worried there would be no alcohol. Rumor has it that the FREAKY FRIDAY premiere (also Disney, but also at night) was DRY. I praised Jesus when I bypassed the milkshake bar once I spotted the beer-and-wine for adults!

There was a bouncy castle which I was desperate to try out but I was over the height/weight/age limit. By a lot. The was also a "kids' buffet" featuring truly bad for you crap like peanut butter and fluffernutter sandwiches. The word "fluffer" in any context seems inappropriate when children are around, don't you think? And let me tell you, the rug rats were everywhere!

Let's see. I chatted with an agent, some studio execs, and the bus boy. When I couldn't even catch a buzz, I grabbed a pacifier-shaped frosted shortbread cookie and headed home...alone...

[*Well, Diesel showed up for some photo ops, where Gary the Duck got equal "billing." We kill us!]