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· The real issue in the Michael Jackson trial has nothing to do with speckled penises or defiled children. This is really about Bubbles the Chimp, and whether or not MJ is an honest-to-god monkeyfucker. [R&M]
· Mary-Kate Olsen is fine, people, FINE. She's just getting outpatient care at NYU and UCLA, OKAY? Leave her the fuck alone already! She doesn't need your help! [Page Six]
· Straight from an innocently retarded Craigslist casting call to Fabian Basabe's heart, reality show Survival of the Richest is casting in New York and the Basabe just might be interested. [Lowdown]
· Lesbians have polyps, too: Ellen DeGeneres had a biopsy to remove the nasty buggers from her cervix. The surgery was sponsored by American Express. [Page Six]