Dear Fred Durst,
There s an old saying around the Gawker offices, coined by our wise Hungarian goat-herding ancestors: you re nobody until somebody hates you. But we had it wrong. It turns out that you re actually nobody until some other nobody sues you. Thank you, Fred Durst and your fabulous band of lawyers, for setting us straight.
Honestly, though, we don t know why you re so mad at us. The situation is really rather simple. Someone sent us a link to a video of your penis, we went into shock, and we shared it with the world for about 2 hours. Then we wept, found God, took a hot bath, and removed the video from our site.
But nothing we do is ever good enough for you, is it? Your exotic Californian lawyers sent us a cease-and-desist order on Monday, 3 days after we had already taken the video down. You were still hurting and we understood, but now you ve gone and filed suit against us. We don t get it we complied before you even got around to wasting paper on us, and now you want to take away what few shekels we have.
Are we out of order, Fred? Well, this whole crazy world is out of order. You can t handle the truth. You own Pan-Am. You own Congress. You own the Civil Aeronautics Board. But you do not own the sky, Fred. There was a crime, there was a victim, and there is punishment. You want to see this boy die because you personally want it, not because of the facts! A dingo ate my baby!
We ll see you in court. Or not, if you want to kiss and make up in the meantime. If your flowers are freshly cut, we can be rather forgiving.