If the recent slew of celebrity breakups hasn't completely destroyed your will to drink, allow us to help you acheive that morning blackout you've so been craving: DEMI MOORE IS CARRYING THE SPAWN OF ASHTON KUTCHER.
Or so Star is reporting. So, you know. But until the publicists issue their cagey denials, we'll believe the reports — just for an excuse to stay in bed all day, if nothing else.
On the bright side: This is, you realize, a miracle of modern science. If Moore is actually pregnant, it means her womb survived contact with Bruce Willis' septic seed, and, just as impressively, she has now managed to create life with a man made completely out of Play-Doh. Rabbi Berg totally deserves the Nobel Prize for this one.