David Cross: The Defamer IMterview

Earlier this afternoon, David Cross, troublemaking comedian and star of imperiled, perpetually-in-limbo Fox sitcom Arrested Development, was kind enough to participate in an IMterview with us. We'd like to imagine that Cross was curled up on a velvet sofa with his PowerBook, a hot cup of cocoa, and the Daisy Dukes he's made famous on AD as we discussed the implications of Gail Berman's exit from Fox, people and things that his AD castmates may or may not be having sex with, and other hotbutton topics of current interest.

David Cross: Is this happening?
Defamer: yeah!
Defamer: i was in the bathroom, which i'm sure you're delighted to know
David Cross: How did it go?
Defamer: it was a standing-only affair, so not much to report
David Cross: You're looking at it from a half-empty aspect and I don't have much respect for that. Re-think everything you know about peeing.
Defamer: i never said i was peeing
Defamer: anyway, let's rock
David Cross: Touche M'lady.
Defamer: so, in the last 24 hours, since you've found out about Gail Berman jumping Fox ship, how has your life changed?
David Cross: I've looked into Kabahlah and I've gotta say, I like what I see. Also, I don't know how to spell Kabbalah.


Defamer: you nailed it the second time
David Cross: Word!
Defamer: so now that you're filled with light and have candles that smell like God, have you found out anything about the status of Arrested Development?
David Cross: Seriously though, I have no idea what this means. I could speculate ten different ways on ten different theories and each of them could be valid or not. I'm sure we won't find anything out until the last minute (much like last year)...but I could be wrong.
David Cross: Did you know that God smells like a "Stormwatch"tm
Defamer: i'm totally getting one of those for the bathroom
Defamer: beats a book of matches and some Glade
David Cross: Try two and lock the doors.
Defamer: insert Second Coming joke here
David Cross: Ewwww! JK! :)! :)))!
Defamer: Let's have one of your crazy, possibly irrelevant theories about AD
Defamer: just for shits and giggles
David Cross: Hey, IChat automatically turned my Double colon, parenthesis thing into a smiley face...nice!
Defamer: i got two smileys from that line
Defamer: :)! :)))!
David Cross: Whatever, I guess yours is broken.
David Cross: I don't really have any theories (purposefully) yet because they don't mean anything. Until I talk to Bateman I will keep my mind clear and spotless of any mis-information.
Defamer: so bateman is your connection to all AD information? is he reliable?
David Cross: He's fairly reliable. He knows some people who are in the show (that's between you and me though).
Defamer: fair enough. did you hear that he's banging Amy Poehler?
David Cross: Yeah...Wait a minute!!!!!
Defamer: Oops!
David Cross: You misspelled "Portia DiRossi"
David Cross: And so did I
Defamer: that's OK, my spellchecker caught it
David Cross: Your spell checker's a Hollywood fag?
Defamer: hold on, i'll as him.
Defamer: ask! not ass!
David Cross: you beat me to it.
Defamer: i'm framing this chat
Defamer: you know what people love?
David Cross: Pussy?
Defamer: not in this town, unless you're...i'm not gonna say it
David Cross: Well then at least spray it
Defamer: people love wildly hypothetical questions with a small basis in reality!
David Cross: Hence Defamers existence!
Defamer: tooshay
Defamer: i'll let the spellchecker get it
David Cross: That's what makes America #1 over every other culture ever!
David Cross: Do you have any 1/4 factually correct gossip for me to spread?
Defamer: what do you think this is, Page Six?
David Cross: Yes, for the snarky hipster set.
Defamer: oh, I bet someone at Spaceland told you that
David Cross: It was written on somebody's Clarkes
Defamer: ok, here's that question
David Cross: Bring it.
Defamer: before i get battered further
Defamer: If the genie in the lamp gave AD a third season pick-up, but the new Fox people insisted that Bateman be replaced with a robot preadolescent girl, are you in or out?
David Cross: you mean ANOTHER robot preadolescent girl?! How many can that show afford to have?
Defamer: that's the heart of the question, isn't it?
David Cross: (I'm referring to Jessica Walter by the way)
Defamer: of course. don't patronize me
David Cross: Can I patronize your sponsors? I like Penguin clothes?
Defamer: maybe they'll advertise now
Defamer: we have Absolut, pander to them!
David Cross: Sorry, you've got the ones with the Tiger on them don't you. And as for Absolute...Absolutely!!!!!!!!!! Hahaha!!!!
David Cross: It's snowing here.
Defamer: it rained here once
David Cross: I heard about that. It made a weatherman cry right?
Defamer: it's a little too soon to joke about Dallas Raines' suicide
Defamer: don't you think?
Defamer: (i know only one LA weatherman's name)
David Cross: Did he commit suicide? For real? I served him fast food at this place I used to work at in Atlanta when I was in High School. He was always quite nice. This was before St. Johns Wort though.
Defamer: i'll have to check tonight to see if he's alive. i feel awful*
David Cross: I like how informative this chat is. I've learned a lot so far.
Defamer: it's Internet Magic
David Cross: and tragic rhymes with magic!
David Cross: I'm a butterfly!
[Ed.note—Cross is referring to the pretty, pretty butterfly that is his chat/buddy icon.]
Defamer: still!
David Cross: forever!
Defamer: i thought i asked that you change that before this chat
David Cross: I did. It's slightly less orange.
Defamer: bullshit
David Cross: How dare you!!
Defamer: this diva behavior doesn't fly on Defamer, home of snarky hipster gossip
David Cross: Why I'm playing right into your trap! Damn you Defamer! Damn you!!!
Defamer: where you revealed a sexual affair between Jason Bateman and his castmate's wife, Amy Poehler
Defamer: thanks for that, by the way
David Cross: What (sputter) but I didn't...I never...Oh, wait. Everyone already knows about that. The real story is Will Arnetts affair with Bianca Jagger!
Defamer: nice try. everyone knows that arnett is into animals
Defamer: more Defamer lies!
David Cross: You mean his thing with Eric Burden? Ohhh Snap!
Defamer: wow. way to alienate everyone under 36
Defamer: but my Dad is psyched
David Cross: Oh, I meant...you mean his thing with The Arcade Fire! Nah, that one doesn't work as well.
Defamer: i never could've seen this coming, but this IMterview has descended into farce
David Cross: One worthy of Moliere!
Defamer: Moliere? way to alienate people who have never been to college!
David Cross: Well change it to Darrin Starr then. i don't give a shit.
Defamer: quick, say something mean about Life on a Stick!
David Cross: Life on a Stick looks fucking hilarious!! I be I would laugh anywhere from one to two times during its entire run! They've really captured what its like to be a 2 dimensional character that has zero basis in reality although it purports to be!
Defamer: well, that was certainly mean
David Cross: See how sloppy I start getting with my typing when I get mean.
Defamer: did you hear that Fox is giving out free corn dogs to celebrate?
David Cross: To the refugees in Darfur? That's nice of them.
Defamer: well, if that's what you call the people on the lot, then yes
David Cross: I've always considered working on a Hollywood lot a lot like working for the Peace Corp. or Doctors Without Borders
Defamer: but without the hairlips
Defamer: whatever that means
David Cross: It's rude is what.
Defamer: sigh
Defamer: yeah
David Cross: Does this mean we're done?
Defamer: ok, i'll release you now so i can get back to spreading half-lies
Defamer: see? i'm an optimist
David Cross: I quite liked this. And I'm glad you see defamer as "Half-full" as it were. Also, congratulations for bringing this full circle. Good job.
Defamer: yes, a "callback" is an excellent "button"
Defamer: but thank you for indulging my banality
David Cross: Now you may move to the head of the class. (Syd Fields class)
David Cross: Sure thing. Same time next week?
Defamer: weekly feature where we discuss current events?
Defamer: got anything mean to say about Terri Schiavo?
David Cross: I wish she'd shut the fuck up for once!
David Cross: How was that?
Defamer: pretty good
Defamer: chicks are so mouthy
David Cross: I'll tell you where you can stick that goddamned feeding tube! All this bullshit is cutting into my M.J. trial time!
Defamer: it always comes back to MJ
Defamer: i heard he molested a feeding tube at the Ranch. but there's a coverup
Defamer: more half-lies!
David Cross: And with that I will bid you Goodnight sir.
Defamer: thanks again!
David Cross: My pleasure. Good luck to the whole internet empire you got over there.
Defamer: btw, i'll edit out your screenname so Bob Odenkirk can't find you
David Cross: Shit, I didn't even think about that. Thank you.
Defamer: yeah, no worries
David Cross: I love you.

[*Ed.note—Luckily, local KABC 7 weatherman Dallas Raines seems to be alive and well.]

Note: The IMterview is edited slightly from the chat transcript for semi-coherence.