As it was written, so shall it be. And Christ did write that thing about a well-regulated militia and bearing arms and, well, load me, Jesus, into the high-caliber rifle chamber of everlasting life!
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — In an effort its spokesman has described as "outreach to rednecks," the Kentucky Baptist Convention is leading "Second Amendment Celebrations," where churches around the state give away guns as door prizes to lure in the unchurched in hopes of converting them to Christ.
As many as 1,000 people are expected at the next one, on Thursday at Lone Oak Baptist Church in Paducah, where they will be given a free steak dinner and the chance to win one of 25 handguns, long guns and shotguns.
Warning: Baptists are dunkers, true to their name, so make sure your new gun is good and oiled up. I'm assuming they're baptizing the long guns, too, because who wants to be naked and unarmed in Heaven? There's real mother-of-pearl in those gates, man. Plus, you can't believe who they're letting in these days.
The promotions are run by Chuck McAlister, "an ex-pastor, master storyteller and former Outdoor Channel hunting show host" who says thousands of bubbas show up to the revivals, and some even take the plunge to salvation.
In an article titled "God, guns and good ol' boys," Roger Alford, the Kentucky Baptist Convention's communication director, described McAlister's work as "outreach to rednecks."
McAlister, an avid hunter who owns more than 30 firearms, describes it as "affinity evangelism," in which preachers reach out to potential converts based on their common interest in a sport or hobby...
"You have to know the hook that will attract people, and hunting is huge in Kentucky," he said. "So we get in there and burp and scratch and talk about the right to bear arms and that stuff."
There are some self-styled Jesus freaks who think boomsticks undermine His message of loving neighbors and all the little creatures and whatever. But good fundamentalists know everything in the Bible is literal, not metaphorical, and Jesus did literally tell his followers to take up swords, by which of course he literally meant AR-15s! Also, gun control is the debbil, as this righteous sermon makes clear:
Wearing a camouflage shirt and frayed cap, McAlister ambled onto the stage, where he was surrounded by stuffed game and firearms.
"How many of y'all own guns?" he asked in his South Carolina accent. "Lemme see a show of hands."
"That is awesome," he said, as the hands went up. "We've got an army right here!"
McAlister sought appealed to their love of hunting and enmity toward gun control. For 30 minutes, he mentioned nothing about God or Jesus...
..."It's not the gun, it's the man behind the gun," he said, "and criminals don't care about a bunch of rules."
"We have found that the number of unchurched men who will show up will be in direct proportion to the number of guns you give away," McAlister tells the paper. As Jesus taught: Blessed are the armed, because you can pry the earth from their cold, dead hands. Maybe that was Moses. Either way. Lock and load for the Lord!