Beloved entertainer Rush Limbaugh once again proves he's "king of all media" with his new children's book about America's colonial history. Kids everywhere are excited about the $19.99 storybook, which will "drop" just in time for Halloween, when children will finally get hip to the man lovingly known as Uncle Rush.

The premise is that Rush Limbaugh is now also a time traveler, just like Doctor Who—that's why the book is called Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures with Exceptional Americans.

Limbaugh says the book will be "for kids, to learn the truth about the very early and beginning days of this country." Here's what we expect:

  • And then the Brave Pilgrims bought 50 luxury yachts and sailed to an empty land of freedom called the United States.
  • Captain Columbus called out upon seeing the Statue of Liberty, "All of ye Brave Pilgrims come gaze upon the Giant Prostitute standing in the Harbor! Oh, for a barrel of cock-pills!"
  • Godless Indians with bones in their noses waited on the shore with gifts for their new white masters.
  • The Brave Pilgrims' favorite gifts were the willing child sex slaves such as Pocahontas, who was saved by Christ on her deathbed after servicing so many of the new American citizens.
  • A hero named U.S. General Paul Revere rode his white horse, Trigger, to the very first Thanksgiving, where he enjoyed a top quality restaurant meal with prime rib and a tankard of prescription painkillers.
  • "Why we's don'ts never wants to be frees," said the African slaves chained together at the bottom of the Mayflower. "You good white folk saved us from Africa!"
  • Then the proud American villagers of Salem rounded up all the sluts and burned them alive, because America has never been a nation of crybabies.
  • The elite fembot Benjamin Franklin yelled "Surrender monkey!" so many times that he was sent to France, where he died of liberalism.
  • When the feminazis invaded from Canada and Mexico, the Brave Pilgrims prayed that General Washington would kill the screeching harpies, which is just what he did!
  • Thomas Jefferson took the CPAC stage to wild applause as he waved a copy of his best-selling U.S. Constitution over a mob of grateful slaves, saying "If it's so terrible then why is it Number One in every colonial market?"
  • "Ye Brave Pilgrims," Robert E. Lee called from the White House balcony, "Ungrateful slaves are mobbing the National Mall. Attack!"

Surely you've got some better examples of what should be in Rush Limbaugh's wonderful new Halloween book, so please share them below, for freedom!

[Photo via AP.]