100 Percent of Everything We Know About the Jolie-Pitt Wedding AAAAAH!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got late-in-life married last Saturday and no judgement!!! Only happy and excited for them to finally have the wonderful lives they deserve. Here is everything we know about the event of an aeon (thanks to a Jolie-Pitt spokesperson and our friends at Newsday).

  • It occurred in Correns, France, which Wikipédia tells us is located "at the entry of two gorges"! Sounds like Lord of the Rings! Many of you may be saying, "What even is a gorge I'm SO EXCITED!!!!" A gorge is a ravine that cuts between two cliffs! A gorge is typically gouged into the landscape by the erosive activity of passion and erotic lust flowing through layers of Earth's rocky crust over a period of millions of years!
  • It was held at le Château Miraval, an estate owned by Pitt and Jolie! Le Château Miraval is a wine castle! Sounds like my Aunt Meg's house!
  • It was nondenominational but if, gun to their head, Pitt and Jolie had had to pick a denomination, they probably would have chosen $100,000!
  • It was attended by family and by friends, though probably not by anyone who appeared on the popular show of the same name!
  • Pitt and Jolie got their marriage license in California, home to the legendary "Hollywood" sign, from the same judge who later conducted their civil ceremony in France! California cool! Different lifestyle out there, like a "Mad Men" mostly-California episode!
  • THE KIDS WERE IN THE WEDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG! According to a spokesman, the couple's eldest sons, Maddox, 13, and Pax, 10, walked Jolie down the aisle! Shiloh, 8, and son Knox, 6, carried the rings! Zahara, 9, and Vivienne, 6, threw flower petals! Normally throwing things is not allowed, but at a wedding there are no rules and everyone is free to behave like wild demons, throwing plants at the sky and describing invisible pentagons on the marble floor of the Château as you play crack the whip with your screaming siblings!
  • This is the second marriage for Pitt and the third for Jolie! Lucky number five, total!!!
  • Angelina Jolie's father, actor Jon Voight, did not know the wedding had occurred until a reporter for Inside Edition told him, at which point Voight responded, "That's nice." You bet it was nice! (Update 1:10 p.m.)
  • Brad Pitt was spotted wearing a gold band over the weekend! Its unbroken circle probably signifies his love for Angelina Jolie, constantly renewing as season follows season until the end of time, at which point it will continue to flourish forever in the eternity of memory! (Update 1:10 p.m.)
  • Jolie is perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Did you know I love Jolie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This post will be updated as we receive more information and I think of more things that I love!

[Newsday // Image via AP]