The curtains are open! The crowd cheers wildly for Cardinal Medina, who will announce the new pope — the volume seems to scare him. He is rather old, as are all the people involved with this business.

His speech: "Latinlatinlatinblahblah. Dear Brothers And Sisters: blahblahlatinblah habemus papam...latin latin...RATZINGER."

And, with that, a very old German will assume the papacy, bringing with him the fine religious traditions of stern, Germanic folklore. Sorry, Gays: Pope Benedict XVI is in tha house.

Meanwhile, traffic crashes the Ratzinger Fan Club website.

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