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Not surpisingly, Brad Pitt and Angelina's Sexy African Beach Romp of Sexual Sex was not comprised entirely of chaste sand-castle construction and the babysitting of Cambodian adoptees. There was fucking involved. Oh, was there fucking! The kind of fucking that has guards scrambling for their machetes, ready to dispatch whatever animal was loudly mauling a guest at their resort. Star magazine gets the goods:

[Star] quotes an insider at the luxury Alfajari Villas beach resort as saying the couple's loud lovemaking "sounded like a wounded animal, like someone being killed!" According to Star, "worried guards grabbed their weapons," rushed to Pitt and Jolie's suite and "hammered furiously on the door with their clubs." Suddenly, the screams stopped, and Pitt's voice was heard from inside the $2,000-a-night villa. "Everything is cool guys," he supposedly said. "You can leave — we're OK." Star reports it found an entry in the Alfajari's "disturbance log" at 2 a.m. on April 20. "People here have great respect for men with sexual prowess who keep their women pleased," the mag quotes an "onlooker." Even better, "another local" relates, "Miss Jolie got so excited, the guards thought maybe Mr. Pitt was taking juju herbs to give him the strength of a lion."

We can almost hear the publicists putting on their best "African" accents and preparing to call up Star:

"OK, I'm the onlooker, and you're 'another local.' Got it?"

"But you always get to be the onlooker!"

"That's because you work for me. Just make sure you throw in something about lions. 'Lions' say Africa. And fucking."

"Got it. Lions. Can I roar?"

"No! And whatever you do, nothing about juju herbs. Someone used that for Britney's pregnancy last week, and that shit sounds totally fake."

"I think I can make the herbs work."

"No herbs! I mean it this time! I'll bust you back onto the Cox-Arquette beat so fast you won't know what fucking hit you."