"Apprentice" Winner to Inculcate Younger Generation On Importance of Avarice

Good news for all you parents out there with preternaturally greedy children: Apprentice winner Bill Rancic has signed a deal with Penguin to write a children's book! According to the press release, Beyond the Lemonade Stand is an advice book for children ages 8-12 who are looking to get ahead. It will offer guidelines on how to be successful, ethical, and profitable in business. The book will also contain anecdotes from business leaders, 'Apprentice' cast members, and business-savvy kids who all lend guidance to business-minded children already thinking of how to make 'money, money, money, money'

But there's more: Middle graders are extremely interested in learning how to make money and with Rancic's knowledge and celebrity appeal, he is a great role model to children looking for the formula to success in business.

As a service to those of you whose kids don't have the attention span for a full videogame, let alone an advice book, we're going to give you that formula here. It's: Good looks + affable personality + crazy black lady rival + penis (this is the most important element) + total lack of shame = success.

There, we just saved you $12.95. —AB

[Update: A senior editor at Penguin writes in to chastise us for failing to mention that Rancic's royalties will be going to charity. Fair enough, that does deserve a mention. Our apologies. She also writes, "Kudos for patently refusing to spread any kind of positivity in the world." We wouldn't say we have a patent on that, but you can hardly expect a freelance guest blogger to have a sunny disposition. That's like asking a homeless man to cheer up and take a bath. —JC]