We feel something of an obligation to briefly remark on the premiere of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's love-note to the complete destruction of romantic love, Chaotic. Yes, we were disappointed, but nothing short of UPN deciding to finally break the primetime ban on background dancers fully penetrating their pop-star meal tickets could have prevented some letdown. Some of this might not make sense if you didn't see the show, but if that's the case, you are a bad person and should dedicate the next three minutes of your life to the job you're neglecting as penance:
· If getting pregnant does that (see above) to one's breasts, we implore every woman in America with functioning ovaries to run to their nearest fertility clinic and commence the embiggening process. Britney's nurturing rack was easily the star of the show.
· There are no circumstances under which showing Kevin Federline taking a shower is permissible, even if fire ants are streaming from the shower head and he's hog-tied with thorny ropes, helpless to escape his punishment. You might find that smashing yourself in the genitals with a toaster oven is something of an overreaction to Federline's shower scene, but you would be wrong. It's the only sensible thing to do.
· Britney's overprotective bodyguard and her Gaysian hairdresser should immediately be signed up for their own reality show, in which they crisscross the country in an RV and assist small-town sheriffs in solving petty crimes. Make it happen, UPN.
· If Federline's shower induced the kind of toaster-aided neutering we described above, a fitting response to the part where Britney shoots her knees in close-up, then exclaims (we did not make this up), "They look like boobs, but they're not. (beat) They're my knees!" is the immediate slaughter of anyone with an IQ above 60 who had to hear those words.
We can like hardly wait for the next one, ya'll!!!