Nothing gets our Satan-worshipping hearts beating faster than a long, bizarre, and heated email exchange between a Brooklyn writer and a Norwegian black metal group. Hunh? Norwegian Black Metal? A Brooklyn freelance writer? Fuck! It's the Apocalypse!
Anyway. Posing as 19 year-old Lance from Indiana, over-employed freelancer Dave Hill struck up a correspondence with some seriously weird dudes:
okay, let me break it down for you. first of all, i don't think anyone who is truly into black metal would start an e-mail by saying "hi!" you are not working at a smoothie shop buddy, you are representing black metal. pull yourself together! i should know- i'm the king of black metal in my hometown of gary, indiana. you should hear my band witch taint. we do mostly originals. i could send you our demo...do you guys have stickers? you should put them up around town and maybe put something under the band's name that says "definitely not a bunch of pussies" so no one gets your mysticum confused with the guys that i had the misfortune of hearing. come to think of it, i'm gonna kick my friend todd's ass for turning me on to the wrong mysticum. are you signing any new bands to your label? my band witch taint is so good you guys will probably get rid of all the other bands on your label just so you can work full-time on a real extreme black metal band. okay, let me know. i gotta go, my mom needs the computer.
blackest of the black,
Thankfully, one of Dave's friends just posted the full transcripts here. Rock on, Lance. -KEW
The Black Metal Dialogues [Blackmetaldialogues.com]