Before we do this, promise us you're not going to cry, break expensive China, or throw your 98 Degrees records in the fireplace, OK? And just because the gun's already in your mouth, tempting you with sweet, hollow-point release from the pain you're about to feel, doesn't mean you have to pull the trigger.
E! has confirmed that Simpson filed for divorce Tuesday in Los Angeles Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for the end of her two-and-a-half-year marriage to Lachey.
Still there? Good. So are we. We pulled through this together.
[Sound of shotgun splattering editor's brains onto a poster of Johnny Knoxville.]
UPDATE: Whoa, where did the E! story go? Hmmm, something funny's going on...and we weren't going to admit that we hadn't really killed ourselves until we landed in the Caymans with a bag full of Denton's money...
UPDATE 2: We hear that denials from Simpson will be hitting the internets shortly. Did E! fuck up? If we didn't blow off our heads earlier, a fresh attempt is in the offing for making us continue to bother with this story.
UPDATE 3: US Weekly has the denial from everyone's favorite forensic canned-fish scientist: "'It is completely false and we would sue them if they hadn't taken it down,' a defiant Simpson tells Us. Simpson's message to those spreading false rumors? She tells Us: 'Karma, baby!'"
UPDATE 4: No new break-up related news in the three minutes since the last update. We'll keep you posted. Suicidal ideation still wracking our Simpson-addled brains.
UPDATE 5: All indications are that Nick and Jessica are still married, some five minutes after our last report. Please enjoy this picture of Nick, Jessica, and Fez in more carefree times.
UPDATE 6: Closure.