Russell Crowe Throws Himself Down The Well Of Mercy

Just a day after his publicists released a statement all but accusing a hotel clerk's face of angrily throwing itself at the phone Russell Crowe was patiently holding, the actor has completely reversed course and accepted the blame for the incident in an interview with Australia's Daily Telegraph:

"I'm at the bottom of a well. I can't communicate how dark my life is right now," Crowe said. "I'm in a lot of trouble. I'll do my best to solve the situation in an honourable way. I'm very sorry for my actions."

Holed-up in a New York hotel room and missing his family just a day after his arrest, he added: "I will spend the rest of my life if it takes it, trying to make it up with my wife. I'm pleased that my son isn't able to compute what's going on at the moment because that would be a heartbreaking thing." [...]

"One thing that I don't want to do is imply that I'm trying to make out it's somebody else's fault," Crowe said. "It's not, I know it's my fault, I've got to face up to it and deal with it." [...]

We imagine that any dropping of charges will involve a cathartic appearance on Dr. Phil and a PSA: "I'm Russell Crowe and I'm a rageaholic. For a more constructive examination of the impulse to violence, please see my uplifting portrayal of lovable boxer James J. 'Cinderella Man' Braddock, who shined a ray of hope down the dark well of despair occupied by Depression-era Americans."