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In times of crisis, we try not to be complete assholes. So: One of our loyal, handsome interns, Neel Shah, has just completed his tour of duty at everyone's favorite fake Ivy, Dartmouth (where he was referred to as a "campus gadfly"). He even graduated cum laude — but don't tell his parents, or he'll shame the family as the only Indian who failed to pull magna. Besides interning at Gawker for the past year, Neel also knows how to type words and create sentences, having honed his skills at The Black Table and the Observer.

A talented writer, loyal pet, and fantastic bartender, Neel would die 2 work 4 u. The need for employment is so desperate, in fact, that he's actually contemplating a move to a far western land where people eat granola and last call is at 1:30 AM. Tragic. Neel is submissive, self-hating, and well-groomed — clearly, he is meant to be in New York.

If you're interested Neel's cheap labor, please send all correspondence to Neel.Shah.05@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG. He will fetch your coffee and staple your TPS reports like no other and when you beat him, he ll secretly like it. In other words, Neel s your perfect new hire.