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With all of the attention that Scientology's been attracting from Tom Cruise's recent run-ins with the media, we'd assumed that the Kabbalah Centre had decided that Hollywood wasn't big enough for two money-gobbling inclusionary spiritual inspiration societies, packed up their Zohars, magic water, and candles that smell like God, and moved to Nebraska. But suddenly and inexplicably (does anyone really give a shit about Esther, Demi, and the Kootch anymore?), Kabbalah's so over that it might be coming back, with 20/20 and Radar magazine putting the screws to the Centre. (Didn't cutting-edge outlets like The New Republic and The NY Post go there, like, a year ago?)

Before you break your Zohar out of mothballs and start casually dropping nonsense about your "God name" into conversations around the Chateau, this supposed resurgence could be a nonstarter—America's Favorite Non-Pedophile might start handing out red strings as sleepover party favors. Even L.Ron's kids don't want that guy hanging around their Centre.