Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Engaged; God Still Dead

You were warned: Kneeling on a well-worn copy of Dianetics, Tom Cruise confessed (again) his love to Katie Holmes and, with complete disregard for all that is sane and normal in this world, asked for her hand in marriage. Eager to properly respond, Holmes' publicist shoved his hand a bit further up her ass so as to manipulate her answer into an earnest-sounding agreement. And to show us that their love is real, the pair even held a romantic press conference to share their fantastically fantastic news.

The wedding, to be officiated by both Oprah and Scientology's Xenu, will be held shortly after you accept that life no longer has meaning.

Tom Cruise Proposes to Katie Holmes at Eiffel Tower [Reuters]