Cruise Vs. Lauer: Cruise Wins...Our Mindless Devotion

We've finally gotten around to watching the video of Tom Cruise tussling with Matt Lauer, and we know that this is going to surprise a lot of you, but Cruise's constant assertions about his superior knowledge of the history of psychiatry and its very, very devilish, pseudoscientific underpinnings has finally won us over. Repetition of the message really does work, and there is only one rational response to this incredible eye-opening: We're headed to the nearest hospital to beat the living shit out of anyone wearing a labcoat. Yes, some of these people may be involved in "legitimate" fields of medicine (Wait, are there any? We're not completely sure what we believe, we're still new at this), but we can't take the chance that they might have come into contact with a bottle of Ritalin (a street drug) at some point and carelessly assigned a reckless, completely arbitrarily determined dosage to a 5-year-old boy with too much pep. No, Cruise didn't specifically suggest this course of action, but we've always been really good about taking the initiative in these kinds of situations. And you know what else? We never found Brooke Shields to be particularly attractive, even before she started poisoning her body with devilpills.

Also: Drudge is gripped by Cruise vs. Lauer transcription-mania, but we much prefer this illustrated version, which we think places Suppressive Lauer's leading questions in the proper light.