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A mysterious man called Page Six for advice on how to sell the "authentic, 14-minute" Colin Farrell/Nicole Narain (and just like that, the former Playmate is famous—look how easy it is!) sex tape and described the hot, amateur action to the Sixies. The column then dutifully passes on the movie trailer version:

J.J. described the steamy tape in graphic detail, starting with a naked Nicole in her living room turning on some music, and ending with Farrell pointing the camera at her white cat in the corner of the room and saying, "Baby, you have the most beautiful [kitty]."

In between, Narain, who was Miss January in 2002, displays her pierced tongue as she looks up at the camera and winks. And Farrell, who had a shaved head for his role in "Daredevil," reciprocates, saying, "I could do this breakfast, lunch and dinner."

Narain, who has a tattoo on her backside, also goes through a couple of sexual positions described in the Kama Sutra, starting with "the missionary."

We apologize for dismissing Bone Booth (our freely offered name for Farrell's tape) as an "amateur" effort. The cringe-worthy dialogue, uninspired handheld camera work, and litany of mildly gymnastic positions sounds like it could be every bit as professional as straight-from-the-Valley product.