After lengthy deliberations with his lawyers, agents, managers, publicists, and family priests, Colin Farrell has determined that widespread public consumption of a homemade video depicting his sweaty porking of a former Playmate would not, in fact, further his career as a mainstream leading man, and the actor (must we refer to him as a "hard-drinking, rabble-rousin' Irish scamp"? Yes, we must.) has finally filed a lawsuit against his sex tape co-star, Nicole Narain, in an attempt to suppress its release. Farrell's next legal action will likely be a joint suit against a bottle of whiskey and his penis, which he will allege "willfully and maliciously colluded to impair his abilities to make rational career decisions when in the presence of video recording equipment, a figure model who may one day be desperate for fame, and a Twister board slicked with Johnson & Johnson baby oil." The defendants in the second case will be found guilty of all charges.