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Never ones to let us down, The Smoking Gun has posted the documents from Colin Farrell's lawsuit against his sex tape co-star, Nicole "I Am Now Three Thousand Times As Famous As I Was Last Week, Regardless Of How This Turns Out" Narain. There are six pages of tortured legalese for the curious to wade through, but we know that if you had the actual tape, you'd just fast-forward to the good parts, so we've excerpted the hottest passages for you:


9. Approximately two and one-half years prior to the filing of the Complaint, Plaintiff was involved in a personal relationship with Defendant Narain, a model and actress who resided and conducted business in Los Angeles Country. Plaintiff and Defendant Narain made a videotape in Los Angeles that was approximately 15 minutes in length and depicted them having sexual relations. At the time the Videotape was made, Plaintiff and Narain specifically agreed that the Videotape would be jointly owned by the two of them, would remain strictly private and confidential between them, and that neither Plaintiff nor Narain would ever give or show to or share with any third party the Videotape or any of its content. Plaintiff and Narain further agreed that neither party would ever sell, or exploit the Videotape or its content in any way. [...]


12...In a written communication to Plaintiff's talent agent dated July 13, 2005, Defendant Schmidt described his imminent distribution of a "15 minute color video depicting [Plaintiff and Defendant Narain] engaged in various acts of copulation."

After we've all lingered over turns of phrase like "depicted them having sexual relations," "engaged in various acts of copulation," and even the deliciously suggestive "exploit the Videotape," there's no way the tape itself could be anything but an erotic letdown.