Remainders: See the Ring Before You Decide

• Jake Bronstein, the jackanapes known for making a mold of his penis and bathing in Bryant Park, wants to marry you. He's sadly serious, too — go on, you know you've always wanted to marry someone from Road Rules. [TMI]
• After 52 years, Variety gossip Army Archerd calls it a day and ends his column. [Reuters]
Shape editor Anne Russell abruptly resigns (which is code for "gets canned" according to WWD), thus creating yet another mini-crisis around the AMI offices. They just can't seem to get enough of those. [Mediaweek]
• Our sincere condolences to the Times' Lola Oguinnake, who was forced to touch Janice Dickinson's lifelike breasts. [NYT]
• The art of reporting celebrity pregnancies. [Radar]
• Hipsters, unplug your kitsch-fabulous Christmas lights and cancel band practice: The LES is being asked to conserve energy. [Gothamist]