The Projectionist: Jessica Simpson's Ass Carries The Weekend

With our Daisy Dukes fully wedgied into our hindquarters, we're ready to unleash this weekend's box office predictions:

1. The Dukes of Hazzard—$28 million
Things are looking good for the Duke boys. They have no real competition this weekend, Cooter's got his greasy overalls in a bunch over the new version's blue-state immorality, and in a brilliant promotion in NY, Warner Bros. is allowing construction workers to have sex with a wax statue of Jessica Simpson. A number one opening is all but guaranteed.

2. Wedding Crashers—$16 million
Crashers will continue its rampage through multiplexes, at least until an R-rated newcomer like 40 Year Old Virgin offers a challenge. Seriously, though, where are the "Let's Play 'Just The Tip In'" t-shirts?

3. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory—$12 million
Come on, Cooter, we're all waiting for you to condemn Warner Bros. for its sinful promotion of fudgepacking.

4. Sky High—$8 million
We're sure there's more to this movie than Kelly "John Travolta's Special Stewardess" Preston's involvement, but we can't make ourselves care.

5. Must Love Dogs—$7 million
But maybe, just maybe, if we all cross our fingers and squeeze our eyes shut really tight and wish like we've never wished before, March of the Penguins will squeeze out the ridiculous dog movie. Go penguins!