Softball: Not All History Is Written By the Winners

So, yes, the legendary High Times Bonghitters beat The New Yorker on the softball field Tuesday night, and we carried a terse report yesterday, sent by a Bonghitter. But, as you well know, it's just not the same without New Yorker coach Dellinger's nicknamerrific wrapup — so it's a good thing that one of our favorite Conde pixies forwarded Coach's report to us this morning. It's been too long since we've heard from Dellinger — a few weeks, it seems like — and now we know why: After last week's game the Harper's publicist poisoned him, and he was too ill to report.

Coach D. makes up for lost time in this dispatch, a 1,200 word play-by-play of the High Times outing. Because we love you, it's after the jump.

From: Dellinger, Matt
Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2005 9:55 PM
To: TNY Edit All; TNY Business All
Subject: You win some, you lose some

First of all, a bit of brief housekeeping: we beat Harper's 6-3 last week. I came down with a fever that night, not long after the Harper's publicist bought me a drink (coincidence, I think) and I suffered for days and failed to write a report. Until just now.

Ok.

NEW YORKER FALLS TO HIGH TIMES 6-4
After four innings tied, stoners win by a roach.

Calmed by their loss last week, and umpireless, the visiting Bonghitters eased nicely into our easy chair of low-intensity sportsmanship. Almost zero trash talking and chest beating last night. Instead, some damn fine softball.

Field "Field" Maloney jogged up to the game just as it began, removed his shirt, mopped himself with a bandana, folded the bandana very slowly and neatly, tied the bandana around his head, reapplied his shirt, took his post in left field, and caught the first out. Jonathan "Boom Boom" Shainin, cleverly positioned at short fielder (the Bonghitters can drop shallow) kept moving to other more conventional positions. Balls kept landing where he would have been standing. A run scored on an overthrow meanwhile, but finally Shainin stepped into place and caught the second out. Josh "babyface" Hersh got the third, a pop fly.

Hersh at the plate, a solid single past their accomplished shortstop. Corey "Sharpie" Tackman does the same. Ben "Babyface" McGrath flies out to right. Chris "Lillis" Meatto got Hersh to third (and Tackman out). Shainin brought Hersh home and put Meatto on second. Mort "the Fort" Gerber gets a hold of one and it drops into a centerfield gap. Meatto gets to third, rounds it, misses the "stay" and heads home. The throw too. He's tagged out. Inning over. 1-1.

Inning two: Shainin successfully shortfields again; McGrath to Corey at first; Maloney again. Short work. Even shorter at the plate. A pop-up and two ground outs. Still tied.

Inning three: Ed "Kalamity" Klaris on the mound. Meatto sucks one up in Center. McGrath and Hersh each get a grounder, throw tough ones towards first, testing Tackman and coming up clean. Ah, teamwork. Bonghitter coach Steve Bloom starts to ask "Don't the bases look a little FAR to you?" Well, no. And anyway, we have to run the same bases they do, which, er, is more than we could handle in the third. Zach "the Canine" Kanin grounds out. Klaris gets on with a single into right field, but he's thrown out at second on a grounder by Justin "Mr. Kamal" Vogt. Natasha "Honeybun" Lunn bunts a hot little single, but Louisa "Babyface" Thomas follows with a line drive to the shortstop, and it ends. Still 1-1.

Klaris barehands a grounder in the fourth and gets it to first in time. His glove's looking a little ratty, but he's had it since he was thirteen, and there's some things more important than catching things. Next, a long ball into right field. Oh dear. Lauren "Tom" Collins races the new guy, shortfielder Tim "Stretch" Farrington, for it. Farrington comes up with it. The batter, touching second, thinks it's a safe triple. Stretch disagrees. He hits Hersh, his cutoff man. Hersh turns and fires to McGrath. All of this comes off looking damn professional. The tag is placed. The greedy runner is out. Bloom mentions again the extraordinary length of the bases. None of our business, though — we won't be using them. Farrington flies out to center. Quinn "Kipp" Shamlian grounds out to, um, the catcher. And Collins, god bless her, strikes out.

In the fifth, Klaris' glove actually breaks and the teenage nostalgia is surrendered for the time being. Collins, our spare lefty, is brought in from Right field, rudely stripped of her glove, and replaced by Michael "Showtime" Schulman, who gets quite a scare when the next ball comes out that way. A run scores. Now the Bonghitters decide to pick on McGrath, who looks back the runner at third and makes a brilliant throw to first for out number one. Same thing on the next ball but the throw's high and Corey comes off the bag. Runner's safe. Run scores. Corey catches a pop fly for two. Then an impossible line drive down the third base line, off McGrath's glove, another run. Klaris stops the bleeding with his new generic glove and a safe throw to first. We respond with a whole lot of nothing. 4-1.

Sixth: Corey catches a pop fly at first. Hersh to Cory for out two. A single. A grounder to McGrath, who looks for Matt "slow burn" Dellinger at second but Dellinger's not there. Oops. Two men on. The bonghitter shortstop comes up. The outfield steps back, but not far enough. Deep right field. Farrington on the way. The two runners score. Batter thinks he'll join them. Farrington doesn't think so. He hits Hersh, his cutoff man. Hersh turns and fires home. Home is where Tim "The Smacker" Singer finds himself taking the same kind of hot throw he couldn't quite master a few games ago. Well no older brothers (or dad) around this time. Tim is well positioned and confident. He gets the throw, holds the ball, tags the cocky batter, and the home run is foiled. Foiled!

We answered their two runs with two of our own. Corey and McGrath started out with a couple singles. Shainin and Mort and Maloney collectively pushed the two leaders homeward, but were picked off in the process. 6-3.

Seventh inning. Getting dark now, which makes the long long bases even harder to deal with, I imagine. Except someone gets a triple just fine. No outs. Seems like he'll score. How could he not? A: Grounder to McGrath. McGrath without hesitation to Corey at first. The runner sees the throw and takes off to home. Corey lands the catch; the batter is out; he throws bravely home, where Tim Singer's ready again. He blocks the plate, puts the tag. 5-3-2 double play. Hersh tosses to Dellinger for the last out, and we charge in hungry to catch up.

Jilan "Ms. Vogt" Kamal grounds out. Zach Kanin grounds a hard-to-handle ball to third and even with the alleged really long bases and definite really short legs, he beats the throw. Klaris puts one into right, and Kanin leaps around the other bases in the ensuing confusion. Klaris fakes a bolt to second, they throw there, Zach takes the cover and sneaks home. Not enough, but something.....

The High Times squad did what they always do: they sang to us. "Take Me Out to the Bong Game" ("Buy me some reefer, not crack or smack / I don't need that monkey on my back....."). They distributed copies of their fine publication. And then they stood around enjoying the breeze and the honking of Canadian Geese.

Then they came to the bar, the first time in years. Oh, lots of pizza. Had to call back and get more. Watched some Comedy Central. Chilled. Dellinger, floating high on antibiotics and Yeungling, played the best pool game of his life against known billiards shark "Fast" Eddie Klaris, and called it a night.

Dellinger

We're two games below .500, with two games left.....

Tuesday, Aug 23 @ 7 pm
vs. Columbia Journalism Review

Tuesday, Aug 30 @ 7 pm
vs. Gawker Media

Earlier: Softball