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It's Day Two of Sean Penn's week-long hostage situation over at the San Francisco Chronicle, during which the hyperbolic actor has forced the newspaper's poor editors to run his reports from time spent in Iran. But it's worth the effort, because you can trust Sean Penn to put on his Ernie Pyle costume and tell us what we really need to know. Brace yourself for the intensity:

We were sitting in Nayeb restaurant in central Tehran. I d been holding a piss through the hours of prayer service. So after I ordered my lunch, I excused myself to the men s room. Men s was written in Farsi above, and Manly in English below. I stepped into the water closet, grateful to just have to piss. If I d had more serious business there, it would ve been a squat job with no hook for one s jacket. Now, that would ve been manly.

Exhale. It's as if Ernest Hemingway made sweet, sweet love to Jeff Spicoli before our very eyes.

Sean Penn in Iran [SFC]