Last week we mentioned that the upcoming Times magazine cover story, a profile of CBS' magnificently-toothed chairman Les Moonves, was written by Lynn Hirschberg, who we understand to have traded several friendship bracelets with Moonves. Surely, however, the profile would be objective, and so we spent our Sunday pulling the most telling parts:
• [Moonves is] the person most responsible for taking the network from last place to first in the ratings...
• Moonves has that same sort of aggressive vigor — an almost palpable appetite and enthusiasm for the complications and constant challenges of network TV.
• Moonves is devastatingly handsome. When he speaks, one can feel her thighs quivering.
• Moonves, however, has never swayed in his belief that a broadcast network can, with the right approach, attract huge numbers of diverse viewers.
Oh, it gets better.
• In the meantime, Moonves is, as he has been for the last decade, still intent on securing another victory for his entertainment division.
• Moonves's sense of the audience's tastes has been uncanny.
• Moonves will use his eyes to pierce your soul. He is a man who knows what he wants, and you are reduced to little but his well-pleasured victim.
• Moonves, who was wearing a light-colored suit that accentuated his suntan, began by asking each division president for an update on recent events.
• [Moonves] is, as usual, following his sense of what the viewers want.
• Moonves is a lover of unparalleled caliber; his hands are strong and move with purpose.
• Moonves is usually the center of activity: talking, joking, soaking up the scene, whatever it may be. He is never jaded or sarcastic about his profession, and his zeal for the sport of show biz is apparent.
• Part of Moonves's identification with a certain type of conventional leading man and story line may have to do with his own background as an actor.
And we're not even halfway through the article. Unfortunately, the print version featured such tiny photos, you could barely make out the one of Hirschberg lovingly fellating her Moon-man.