We should say that bulk press-release emails faux-personalized to make it seem like the sender actually knows us always bug us from the git-go. But this one gets so much worse.
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2005 3:54 PM
Subject: Jessica and Jesse, Did you get that memo? New KFC Web site brings adventure to a cubicle near you!
Hi Jessica and Jesse -
Please consider sharing the following information with your Gawker visitors...
Sick of taking the boss' orders? Think it's time you had the power to make some real decisions? Be defiant! Throw caution to the wind! Rip the covers off of your TPS reports and surf over to www.chooseyourssauce.com! From the safety of your cubicle, you can navigate through the precarious world of office politics on a whirlwind adventure that might find you battling ninjas, uncovering hidden time capsules or engaging in a dangerous non-denominational holiday decoration battle!
There's more — so much more — but we just couldn't bare to clutter up the homepage further. The full Office Space-appropriating horribleness is after the jump.
The adventure begins at KFC's Flavor Station, where Honey BBQ, Fiery Buffalo and Sweet and Spicy aren't just flavors anymore. Your choice says more about you than just what you're hungry for - it's a reflection of your personality and may alter the very fabric of your work day! Your best friend Marty is by your side the whole time as you try to win back your childhood love, Lorraine, avoid being fired by Mr. Wadowitz and torment Henry, the office suck-up.
So, what'll it be - Honey BBQ, The Solid Choice; Fiery Buffalo, The Daring Choice; or Sweet and Spicy, The Wild Card Choice? Remember, you're in charge at KFC's Flavor Station, so choose wisely. Afraid you might crack under the pressure? Enter the sweepstakes at chooseyoursauce.com and you could be the recipient of a year's worth of KFC meals... you'll never have to choose a favorite and you'll have the perfect lunch escape if you ever get a case of the Mondays.
What to say, even? That the whole point of Office Space is about rising up against stupid, marketing-driven corporate doofuses who invent things like "Choose Your Sauce" competitions? That a whole running gag in Office Space is to make fun of the ubiquity of chain restaurants, even ones a step in quality and a step down in ubiquity from KFC? That the name Tricon Global Restaurants, Inc. — the former name of the company that owns KFC — ranks up there with "Initech" as meaningless corporate-speak?
We'll take solace in this: Anyone who actually understood the move would understand never, ever to accuse someone of getting a case of the Mondays.
We hope someone burns down the building.