Hollywood PrivacyWatch: What Would Lara Flynn Boyle Buy?

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in and authored by our binocular-clutching readers; send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put “sighting” or “PrivacyWatch” in the subject line) and let the world know that Alec Baldwin will give you his autograph, even if you look like a stripper.

In today's "I couldn't afford a ticket to a film festival," A-list-starved episode: Lara Flynn Boyle; Alec Baldwin; Keanu Reeves, Chris Noth, and Michael Vartan; Nicole Richie and Christina Aguilera; Sandra Oh; Steven Seagal (in Romania!); Jose Canseco x2; Jose Canseco and Jay Leno; Dr. Dre and Andy Milonakis; Carson Daly and Kanye West; James Denton and Annette Bening; Johnny Knoxville; Lauren Graham; Jon Cryer; Jonathan Antin; Amber Valletta; The Queer Eyes; Tori Spelling; Steve Kmetko.

· Stood behind Lara Flynn Boyle in line at the Rexall on the corner of La Cienega and Beverly on Labor Day. She did not look as skeleton-thin as expected - although it was hard to tell since she was covered up in grey sweatpants, fancy nikes and a long sleeve top and huge sunglasses. She returned two bags of make-up sponges for $5 and change in cash back (oh the shame) and purchased a box of slim-fast bars, 5 or six bottles of tea flavored vitamin water, bottles of biolage shampoo, travel sized scope mouthwash and a huge bottle of cheap hair gel (like LA looks). Her hair was teased and a mess and her skin was not so pretty. She climbed into a brand new black mercedes clk 500 - maybe she needed the $5 for car payments?

· Went to Baja Fresh on Ventura on Friday night. Before you jump to any conclusions, I don't live in the valley...I just work there. I was at Baja to fill my stomach with lovely cheese, beans, tortilla, and assorted vegetables before heading out to the bar to do some serious drinking. I look over toward the soda machine and catch sight of some hideous stripper heels (you know, the 9 inch high plastic ones) and a way-too-short-for-her-age skirt. Before I could say anything snarky to my boyfriend, he asks me if the person standing next to the wannabe stripper is Alec Baldwin. Yeah, it was. Alas, the elder Baldwin was only signing an autograph for the woman, not paying her for sexual favors. He looked good, if a tad unshaven, in his lounging outfit and square black framed glasses. His number was called before I had a chance to tell him how much I loved The Cooler.

· fri night - keanu reeves leaving the foundation room at the house of blues, then chris noth (mr.big) @ the xenii party. sat night - michael vartan @ koi

· On Sat. 9/10: Around 2pm, after lunching at Ivy walked down Robertson, only to be bombarded by the stalkeratzi, who had their cameras up to the window of Kitson Kids. Turns out Ms. Nicole Richie was engaging in a bit of retail thearpy. She then crossed the street to Kitson (for Big Girls) were they refused to let anyone in while she shopped with a gal pal. Seeing her in the flesh I can only assume she was shopping at the Kids store for herself — she is a wisp of a person. When asked by a passerby who was in there, one photographer, said, Nicole Kidman (clearly he didn't read the recent US Weekly Fashion Hits issue) After her purchases Nicole sped away in a little Mercedes sports car. Then later in the day around 5, Theo of Road Rules and Battle of the Network Stars "fame"( note quotes) walking down the 3rd Street Promenade picking his teeth. Around 9:30, while waiting for the valet at Hamasaku in West LA, a giant white Rolls nearly crashes into my sister and I. Out of the car spills Christina Aguilera, very blond and small with her head down, looking angry. Also in the car were friends and fiancee Jordan Brateman.

· No biggie, but I saw Sandra Oh canoodling with some skinny white guy (didn't recognize him) late last night (10:30pm) at Palms Thai — having some good food & listening to the Thai Elvis impersonator that performs there on weekends.

· [Ed.note—While Romania is clearly outside of the jurisdiction of Hollywood PrivacyWatch, we're going to allow this one.] I had a sighting of STEVEN SEAGAL last friday at my local mall. He's shooting some piece of crap here in Romania and he just had to make an appearance at the foodcourt! And he had quite an entourage with him: two gorgeous sluts with belts instead of mini-skirts and three gorillas in black t-shirts and with black sunglasses. I guess he had them for protection although he was pretty hard to recognize: he was as bloated as Oprah in a bad year. I didn't see more of him because I was just going in the multiplex to see Charlie and The Chocolate Factory (it kinda sucked! where's the tim burton of edward scissorhands and ed wood???)

· After the story earlier this week in the LAT about Jose Canseco's attempt to break into the world of direct-to-video action movies, I suppose it shouldn't be surprising to see him hanging out at the Grove last night. After all, that's where the movie stars hang, right? What was surprising was that he was seated on the entirely empty front patio of the Marmalade cafe, and not safely bellied up to the bar at the Whisper Lounge like the real celebs. Jose and his date (who looked like she was between shifts at Fritz's) enjoyed a full four-course meal in between scattered requests for Jose's autograph - which he very graciously provided, even when he had a mouthful of dessert lodged in his giant, steroid-enhanced chin.

· Sept. 8th — Gigantor Jose Canseco on the 3rd floor of the Barnes and Noble at the Grove. He was with a blonde woman. They walked up to the sports book section, where he picked up a copy of his own book. I wonder if he knows that buying his own book won't help him make money?

· I spotted Jay and Mavis Leno dining with Jose Canseco and a smarmy looking older guy at The Palm. Leno looked haggard, Canseco looked ripped, tan and fit. Moral: steroids are better for you than Doritos?

· Last night (9/8) at Mastro's Steakhouse in Bev Hills saw the most incredible thing... Dr. Dre, looking seriously buff, got up from having a romantic dinner with his wife, and walked across the room to shake the hand of MTV man-child funnyman Andy Milonakis. Not only did Dre GUSH how much he LOVES Andy's show, he put him on the phone with his kids at home. THEN he has someone take pictures of he, his wife and Andy on his cellphone camera.... again "for his kids." Insane?

· Last night (sept. 9), at Skybar, saw Carson Daly having drinks with a small group. I have no shame, so I proceeded to go up to him and tell him about the undying love I had for him when I was 17. He was super nice and chill. As I was leaving around 1ish, Kanye 'The President doesn't care about black people' West was pulling up.

· on thurs. nite 9/7 at the dodger game, saw once-hunky desperate housewife beau, james denton, toss out the first pitch, pretty solidly i must say, to the porn star, jeff kent. then, denton retired to the good seats six rows off the field behind the dugout. late into the game, i gawk at him to see if he's as excited as everyone else is, and he's spitting a filthy mess of chew juice into a used beer cup he fashioned into a spittoon. after the drool subsides, he then puts his fingers into his mouth, bumbling and fumbling around inside to retrieve stray chaw from between his cheek and gumb. he's also scraping his tongue with his finger to remove errant dirt. then, he starts up with another pinch. (i hope he washed his hands after the earlier pitch-throwing display.) was actually surprised he was so into the game. he stayed until the dodgers finally clawed out of their hole and pulled it out in the bottom of the ninth. then, post game, he's inside the club bar, clutching a long hard wood bat, which is cloaked in a protective sheath of wool or silk. his friend asked to see the long hard wood bat, and he removed the cloak to show him. then they got bored and left. maybe because only one player and his posse showed up in the club after the game. also at the game, and also patiently hanging in 'til the bottom-o'-the-ninth, was annette bening and her brood of three beatty babies, who appeared to be about 12-ish, 6-ish, and 5-ish. the young boy even wore an official-looking dodger jersey, with "beatty" emblazoned on the back. the gaggle of bening-beatties sat in great front row seats. annette appeared to enjoy the game, along with the younger kids. the older girl seemed bored. read the program, looked like she may have been keeping score. yikes.

· I saw Johnny Knoxville driving down Olympic Blvd. from the Century City area towards Hollywood on Wednesday night. He was in a dirty SUV, on the phone and practically hanging out the window to make sure everyone could see him. I always thought he was kind of hot, but his arm looked WAY skinny (Ritchie-skinny) and anyone who needs THAT much of any audience in hellish, after-work traffic is BO-ring.

· Saw the Reigning Lorelai, Lauren Graham last night (9/11) going down the stairs at the ArcLight parking lot. She appeared to be acommpanied by a normal-looking dude, and she was wearing some sort of long sleeved black shirt and jeans. I locked eyes with her, then looked away out of fear of attacking her and asking her about tomorrow night's season premiere.

· Drove up to the valet at MiniBar (Universal City) on Cahuenga on Friday night (9/9) around 11:30pm. Waiting at the stand was Jon Cryer (Two and-a-Half Men) wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a petite blond woman...hugging. He smiled at a comment my friend made. Drove off separately...she in a Benz, he in a Volvo SUV. Seemed polite. Looked cute in that adorable, dorky way.

· I saw Amber Valleta at the Chipotle in Marina Del Rey. She must have really been craving a burrito since the parking lot is under construction and it's pretty complicated to find the entrance. She was pretty, but for being a "supermodel" she was much shorter than I thought. She was chatting amongst the plebeians in line and actually ate her food and bussed her own table. She was with a cute kid who I am assuming is her son and a tall, tanned dude.

· So there I was at the drive range at Rancho Park this past Saturday (Sept 10th) while walking down the ramp from the 2nd floor platform when i smell someone smoking, looking to see which prick was smoking while driving I see a guy in a white polo shirt with a cig dangling from his mouth. As the said smoker turns my way in an attempt to see if anyone was watching him I realize it was so called heterosexual Jonathan Antin from Bravo's Blowout. Poor guy he was clearly trying to direct attention to himself as he continuously will stop and pose in between swings.

· Saturday night, 9-10, I saw all 5 members of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's "Fab 5" at I-Candy, currently itself the subject of a rather retarded reality show on Logo. I think they had some sort of party for them there, and I accidentally walked in at the tail end. Nothing too unusual. Jai seemed to be gay, despite those pesky bi-rumors, and Carson Kressley looked like some kind of bizarre Palm Beach freak, tan and all. Beau, the personal shopper/prostitute from Big Brother 6, and Carson, definitely need different careers or their own personal shoppers.

· We were waiting outside Casa del Mar last night (9/8) for our car to be brought round a teeny, tiny blonde skinny thing walked out of the door with a guy in tow. HAD to be a celeb and which, while being generous, of course, it was. Mr. & Mrs. Tori Spelling. The funny thing was that she kept glaring at my friend and I and then burying herself in the arms of her guy as if we were intruding on her space somehow. Tori, hun, we weren’t looking at you. You were directly in the line of sight of our car coming around the corner.

· Ran into El Pollo Loco on Sunset in Silverlake to drop a deuce today (ugh, dieter's tea) and saw Steve Kmetko. He was struggling to read his receipt but apparently didn't realize wearing sunglasses indoors can make that somewhat difficult. By the time I was done and 34 pounds lighter, he was gone.