Hitch'd: Ashton and Demi Do the Chupah Hustle

Somewhere deep in the bowels of their Beverly Hills headquarters, a Star Chamber of red-cloaked Kabbalic High Priests is sharing a jubilant, demented, crescendoing laugh: Saturday night, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (or as they refer to her, 'our Rosemary') tied the knot, aka 'smashed the glass.' Us Weekly claims the scoop, and we're inclined to give it to them, lest they solicit our 13-year-old ass for sex over the internet, too:

Demi Moore, 42, and Ashton Kutcher, 27, got married Saturday night at a Beverly Hills home in a ceremony in front of more than 100 of their closest friends and family, according to several sources close to the couple. "It was very last minute," one guest told Us.[...]


Standing before a crowd that included actors Bruce Willis and Wilmer Valderrama, actress Lucy Liu, Moore's three daughters and their closest family and friends, the couple, followers of the ancient spiritual practice of Kabbalah, exchanged vows in a brief but traditional ceremony. "Most everyone was dressed formally," a source at the wedding told Us.

Details are just now beginning to trickle in:
· Instead of rice, guests showered the bride and groom with cans of red Silly String.
· Valderrama provided a stirring reading from his all-time favorite book, Choose Your Own Adventure #10: The Lost Jewels of Nabooti.
· Willis' post-reception speech evoked both laughter and tears, followed by a stunned, awkward silence when he accidentally referred to Kutcher as "the son-in-law he'd always hoped for."

We wish the happy couple a long, prosperous union, producing many jackal-headed spawn with which to enact the prophecies as foretold by the mystical Talmudic Numerology texts. L'chaim!