Satan Presides Over Marriage of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher

More proof that God is dead or, worse, never existed: Brat Pack actress Demi Moore and her adopted son, Punk'd puppy Ashton Kutcher, sealed the deal on Saturday night in Beverly Hills with an intimate, Kabbalah-tinged wedding held in a private home. Attendees at the last-minute ceremony included Moore's ex-husband Bruce Willis and their three daughters, plus notables such as Lucy Liu, Wilmer Valderrama, Soleil Moon Frye, George Gaynes, and Cherie Johnson.

The scandal, however, is not the wedding itself. Big fucking whoop there. The real issue is the ensuing backbiting amongst the celebrity weeklies clamoring for top credit: According to datelines, the red-string trophy goes to Janice Min, who, with her staff at Us Weekly, broke the story yesterday at approximately 10:30 EDT. Four hours later, People had masterfully recrafted the Us story (after all, it's not word-for-word stealing if you rearrange the words a little bit) as its own, without so much as crediting Us for the tip-off. And, to make the bruise just a bit more ugly, the AP has credited both with the scoop.

Our prediction: People editor Martha Nelson is so totally blackballed from fall rush at Janice Min's house.

US WEEKLY WORLDWIDE EXCLUSIVE NEWS BULLETIN: DEMI MOORE AND ASHTON KUTCHER TIE THE KNOT!!! [Us Weekly]
Ashton and Demi Get Married [People]
Reports: Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore Wed [AP]