The image at right (click to enlarge) probably won't be on the newsstands until 10 A.M. or so, but we don't see why you should wait for the news: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America's Newlyweds, have called it quits. For those of you so self-loathing as to closely follow these things, you'll recall that in May, E! online reported that the couple had filed for divorce, only to mysteriously retract the story an hour later. But you knew, right then, that this was coming, didn't you?
The couple is waiting to make an official announcement later in the month (at the appropriate career opportunity, we're sure), but according to Us Weekly's scoop — kept so under wraps that employees were not allowed to receive their advance issues yesterday, presumably for fear that People might rape and pillage the story — the marriage has been dead for some time. Well, duh.
The article has a laundry list of contributions to the break-up (mostly blamed on Jessica), including creepy-dad Joe Simpson, Jessica's "diva" behavior, and her fondness for whiskey on the rocks. One of those ubiquitous sources close to the couple says, "Jessica's the problem. She's not the girl America fell in love with anymore." Oh, young America, were you ever really in love with her? Or were you just lusting? C'mon, be honest.
And now, a moment of silence, please, so that we might hear the sound of every magazine editor in town simultaneously shitting themselves.