Nick And Jessica Stab You In The Heart And Steal Your Teddy Bear

No more false alarms, this time the pain is real: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America's lone beacons of love and marital stability, have finally split. How do we know this? We simply walked over to the window, looked up to the heavens, and watched in horror as a dozen rainbows simultaneously turned black and fell to earth, destroying several houses in the Hollywood Hills. Also, Gawker and US Weekly told us. Our hearts go out to the former couple (especially Lachey, who is now no longer famous—tough break, kid), as well as anyone else who has suddenly realized that love is a scam sold to you by Tom Hanks movies and Thai massage parlors on Hollywood Blvd.

There's only so much tragedy we can stand on a Wednesday morning. If you need to find us in the next hour or so, we'll be sitting on the kitchen floor, sipping bleach from a martini glass.