*BREAKING* TOMKAT STAB BABY SHOCKER

Re: the last billion or so emails we've received about the pregnancy of Katie Holmes.

DO NOT PANIC. BREATHE.

Yes, the baby will probably be named Kal-L. Ron Cromes or something, and yes, it will be the single most fucked-up kid in the history of fucked-up kids, and yes, the world is quite possibly caving in on itself, but remember that everything said by representatives of Tom Cruise is a lie.

We all just have to hope and pray that this story and this fetus exist in the same quantum state of simultaneous truth and untruth as Nick and Jessica's divorce.

Tom and Katie Expecting a Baby [People]